Sunday, September 27, 2009
Hello my faithful readers:
I haven't written very much on this blog lately because I have a new blog I'm writing about my time in Belgium called "A Broad in Belgium." Please check it out when you have a chance; especially if you haven't already. Today I had an epiphany and felt compelled to blog about my history with houseplants. More specifically -- all about every attempt to keep a houseplant, within the past few years of my life, has resulted in their death within 1 week of my purchase or receiving them.
I remember back when college never wanting to keep a plant in my dorm room because I knew that I would kill it. Even then I knew that I just don't have the green thumb that my Mom seems to effortlessly have. I used to help her with watering her plants as one of my chores and I never killed any of them, but on the flip side I've killed many of my own plants as a teenager.
It finally hit me today that my relationships with houseplants has a strong correlation with my romantic relationships (or lack of them). I never really thought about the correlation until today to be totally honest. Today as I looked at the dead plant I bought a couple of weeks ago at Ikea , I realized it's not completely about my ability to nurture the plants that is causing them to die so quickly. The root of the issue starts with my selection process. In the past as with my houseplants I've chosen plants (mates) that weren't right for me and without doing any research beyond the fact that I thought they looked good to me.
After taking a little more time to get to know about the plant before I buy it, I realize that I shouldn't be forcing it into my environment without making a few adjustments of my own. I need to nurture them yes, but I also need to make sure that I'm ready to have a plant in my life. Think about this-- if you bring a plant into your home and you don't have the right lighting conditions or temperature for it, then it might not be the right plant for you or your lifestyle. Combine that with the other elements like not having the time to properly water the plant, talk to it or give it enough attention, then maybe it's not the right time to bring a plant into your (my) life. It's never pleasant realizing that you're just not made for each other, but if you aren't then it won't last and one of you could die. If you believe in survival of the fittest then I'm the strongest party in all of my relationships with plants. As a result they end up suffering and dying quick deaths because of my mistakes.
As far as my dating life here in Belgium that's slow going, but I did get an offer from a nice man from Congo (Africa) who is studying law here at K.U. Leuven (the main University here in town). I took his phone number without the intention of ever calling him again (he was just too short and smelly for me), but running into him again a couple of weeks later made me realize the city where I'm attending college in is way too small to hope not to run into them ever again. The second time we saw each other he came up to me and said "I thought you said you were going to call me" and I made a lame excuse about being too busy. In truth I was too busy, but I also wasn't very interested in him and now being in a new environment I realize now that I should stop my bad habit of taking phone numbers which I'll never use. It's something I did in NYC just to get people off my back so that I didn't appear rude. I did it a lot (ok way too much) and most of the time I never used any of the numbers, especially if I didn't give them my number.
There are lots of very young people here in Leuven and many of my classmates are married or already in relationships. I am starting to think about dating a little more now that I'm getting settled in and while I still have time to try. Right now things are busy with school, but this will be the easiest part of the year for us in general. In the new year things are going to get pretty intense and hectic with our workload. I plan to enjoy my time here to the best of my abilities.
Thanks for reading and I do hope you'll check out my other blog page. Currently I am updating that one once a week. I'll also be blogging for the Financial Times MBA Blog about my experiences as a Vlerick Leuven student starting in late October. I'm very excited about this year and so far I'm having a great time here in Belgium. Have a great week.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
It's been waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long since I've written here. I have to say as far as my dating life is concerned I simply have ignored it completely. Lately all I can think about is my huge running to-do list which includes my visa application (lengthy process folks!), wrapping up my final big project at work (Bonnaroo happening all next week) and packing/selling the 9 years of accumulated life here in NYC (did I mention I'm a bit of a pack rat?!?!). I type this all as I'm thinking about my ever growing list of the dozen other things I need to accomplish in the next day or two.
What has been going on for me in the dating world? Well... most recently I had been e-mailing with Bachelor #1 and I'd even gotten to the point where we'd exchanged numbers. He called me Memorial Weekend and I never called him back. I know totally rude of me right? I hated doing that, but I realized I just don't have the energy, nor the time to really truly focus on getting a new friendship started. I barely have time lately to keep up with the few friends I already have! Many of you haven't seen me in several months, simply because I'm running around crossing things off my to-do list.
That very next week, all within a couple of days of each other I received e-mails from 3 different men whom I'd dated or corresponded with at some point in the past couple of years (Mr. Ex was one of them) and the emails made me wonder - why now? I thought I'd closed the door on all of those friendships and seeing those e-mails for me was like having a big fancy picnic (MY BIG FANCY PICNIC) ruined by ants showing up and walking all over my food. My reactions to the notes ranged from"who is this?" to "slightly guilty because the tone of his e-mail seemed so delusional (to me)."
Now none of these men had any idea that they would all contact me within days of each other, but in situations like this one I am always reminded of the Alanis Morrisette song "Ironic." Hearing from a few old flames in the span of a week (ok I might be exaggerating by labeling them old flames) almost never happens (for me). Let's be real. Who am I kidding here? I'm not hearing from much of anyone lately. Personally I found getting all of these notes just as I was starting to mentally get "closure" on "life in NYC" a little unsettling. I have to admit that hearing from them all put me in a little bit of a funk for a few days (ok it was really a full week and a half), because I was reminded of all of my dating disappointments. I (always) need to believe that there has to be some higher purpose, but perhaps the purpose is just to toughen me up for the next leg of my journey. OR it could be that I'm reading too much into this and I just need to remained focused on the goal (getting ready for school in the fall).
I'm still determining the fate of my blog, because as much as I love sharing my dating journey with you all; I'm embarking on a different journey now and this means less activity on this blog (which has been dedicated to chronicling my dating adventures). Things are busy for me at work (at least until June 15th when I return from Bonnaroo) and I have less time to focus on coming up with interesting topics related to my dating life. You might not hear from me for a while, but I promise that I'll try to keep you posted on any possible dating adventures I have while abroad. Finding love is still a (big) priority for me, but for the duration of my MBA program (1 year) it won't be my primary focus.
Thanks for all of the love and support over the past couple of months. I really appreciate all of the advice, encouragement and love you guys have shown. I plan on enjoying my last month couple of months here in NYC. For those of you who don't live here there is NOTHING like NYC in the spring/summer. I love it! I hope that you have a wonderful summer too!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
I can't believe how quickly this year is flying by - it's already May! What a difference a few months makes; I'm still pinching myself because in a few months I'll be a full time student for the first time in almost 9 years. Yesterday I made a big commitment (scary for me) by putting my 25% non-refundable deposit down for my MBA program in the fall. I'm very thankful that I had the resources to make the payment with out too much strain (although I was really hoping for more favorable exchange rates). Work is busy again and although I'm glad to have a real, tangible project to focus on (after so many months of downtime), I wish I could just focus on getting my personal to-do list done. Does that make me selfish?
Yesterday I was listening to The Steve Harvey Morning show and he had Delilah (one of the most successful syndicated radio hosts in the US apparently) who had written a book about love. Delilah said something that rocked me to my core. The opposite of love is NOT hate. What????!?
This made me turn my radio up a little louder to hear the rest of what she had to say. Delilah says that to hate someone you have to like them at least a little bit, otherwise you really don't muster up enough energy to "hate" them. In other words if you didn't have some sort of "like/passion" for them then you would not expend the energy to "hate" them.
What Delilah said next surprised me. She said that the opposite of love is SELFISHNESS. Again I was rocked to my very core, because I have been accused of being SELFISH (by my Mom) before. Delilah says that sometimes in love you have to make sacrifices and change your plans to meet the needs of your mate. I'll admit that this is one of my biggest problems (fears) with getting into a committed relationship. I see the sacrifices that my mom, friends and others make for love. Some of them I agree with, but some leave me scratching my head thinking I don't think I could have done that. Like a (spoiled) only child sometimes I happen to think the world revolves around me. Delusional much?
This got me thinking about my decision to move to Belgium for grad school. I know that my family would rather I not move so far away to do it, but I believe it's something I believe I HAVE to do. Does this make me selfish? I've made lots of big decisions in life with only one person in mind before - ME! But now I am wondering if the big problem in my dating life is actually me. Am I (cock) blocking myself from finding the love that (I say) I want?
Here's what my (delusional) self thinks about my current situation. I understand what a real, loving relationship should be and I refuse to settle for less. When the right person comes along who deserves my focus, dedication and sacrifice I will adjust my behavior accordingly. Until then I reserve the right to be (a little) selfish. At this point in my life, I believe I haven't met THE ONE who deserves my focus, dedication and sacrifice. But I'll hold out hope that we'll find each other soon (because beneath my tough exterior) I am a big, romantic at heart. Ok, ok, ok... maybe that's really deep down inside, but really I do believe that there is love out there for us all. I just have to remember what the real opposite of love is so that I don't do it when love finally comes my way.
I'm curious to hear your thoughts on this subject. Do you agree that the opposite of love is selfishness? I think I will check out Delilah's book because I'd love to hear more about her thoughts on the subject of LOVE. I am inspired to get back into the groove again (I had started feeling sorry for myself), but until then I think I'll go check out a few new handbags at my friend Mrs. Handbags special shopping event today from 6-8 pm. Retail therapy always improves my mood. Let me know if you'd like to join me if you're here in NYC.
Monday, May 4, 2009
I had hoped to write something in the blog before today, but things are busier now for me at work so you'll probably see me a little less frequently because once work gets busy, my social and dating life tend to suffer. That means there is MUCH less for me to write about here in my dating blog. Plus my mind is focused on making my move to Belgium and I feel too guilty to waste another person's time when I know I'll be moving away in the next three months.
In my blog last week I mentioned that Mr. Ex and I decided that it was best that we remain friends instead of trying to continue to date each other. I was ok with this decision and even felt relieved by it all, but was quite surprised to get a phone call from him on Thursday evening that puzzled me. First of all he seemed to think that I'd agreed to have sex with him (or do the "nice thing" as he referred to it on the call) after I returned from my trip to Georgia with my family. I found this whole thing humorous and told him I was sorry that he'd misinterpreted something I'd said, because this was definitely NOT the truth. Remember my little 90 day rule? Well if I were still counting we'd still be on just day 41 right now.
Mr. Ex wanted to get into what made things go off track during our last date, but kept saying "No I'll ask you about it when you get back from Georgia." That whole tactic frustrated me and I told him he could ask me what he wanted to ask while he had me on the phone. I told him that I was disappointed by his lack of decision making skills on the date and gave him a few of the examples I blogged about the other day. He said "well I'm not really that way all the time, I just use that as a way of getting to know a person." I told him that although that might be his tactic I've never seen him make a decision in all of our dates (4 to be exact) and it wasn't fair to me because I didn't get the chance to see him make a decision. I really think his excuse is BS, personally because I think the whole "Whatever you like method of decision making" is LAZY. After that he had to get off the phone. He said he'd try to call me back, but I was non-committal because I told him I needed to get to bed early and still had some packing to do for my trip early the next morning. Before we ended the call he kept saying that he felt things were fine with us and that we would get back to normal (HA). I'll admit this was the part that creeped me out the most because I felt like he hadn't listened to a thing I'd just said.
Mr. Ex called me back a couple of times that night. He left a couple of messages for me (STALKER), then that Friday night he called and left a message for me saying that he saw a few phone numbers pop up with my area code that he thought might have been me. Needless to say it wasn't me and I really don't think I need to have another conversation with him anymore. I know that many of you are thinking that I'm a GIANT A$$HOLE, but I think it's best that I don't lead him on anymore. I feel like his perception of what was going on was completely different from mine. I was trying to remain nice throughout this all, but sometimes nice isn't what the situation needs and it's best not to maintain contact. Sometimes it just isn't in the cards to remain friends - especially when you can't agree on the boundaries of your friendship.
I strongly suspect that the only reason Mr. Ex had his change of heart is because he felt he invested too much time/money into our situation to not get the payoff (sex with me). There might be other reasons, but I truly believe that's the main reason for his change of heart. Thanks for reading and I hope that I'll have some new stories for you soon.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
After such a BEAUTIFUL weekend, I'm savoring the great weather we're having here in NYC this week. Work is still a little nutty because I'm only in the office a couple of times this week. Tomorrow I head to Manchester, TN to do a site check; on Friday I'll be heading home to Georgia to hang with the family and watch my baby sister graduate from Pharmacy School (finally we have a Doctor in the family)! :o)
Here's a quick update on the date on Saturday with Mr. Ex - we finally mutually agreed (OK I made it VERY CLEAR) that we probably are better off remaining friends. I'm glad that we spent the day together because we've only hung out in 2-3 hour increments, before our marathon date on Saturday. Spending the day with a person really makes a difference and I am quite happy that we did it. It was a good test and I realize now that there were a few (BIG) things about him that I tended to ignore before because I only saw the behavior occasionally within our 2-3 hour dates.
We met up at Central Park and I have to say that it was a great day to be in the park (the weather was gorgeous) and I don't think I've ever seen so many people there before. We started to walk a little deeper into the park and a dog barks at him as we walk by. I have NEVER seen a man jump out of his skin as much as he did. From that moment on I was watching a little more closely because I thought he's scared of a dog? While we were walking through the park, I took the opportunity to ask a few more questions about him and I finally asked what his mysterious 2nd part-time job was and he grudgingly admitted that he's a barista (for Starbucks). He says he is planning to quit this job soon, but if he needs to make his bills who am I to judge? I recognize that times are hard for lots of people right now.
After spending several hours in the park and talking we headed down to Soho for some pizza at Lombardi's. This is where I realized that the coy behavior he'd exhibited before (calling me the boss and saying that whatever I wanted was what he wanted) drove me absolutely nutty. Here's a little sample of our dialogue at dinner:
Me: Do you like pizza?
Him: I like whatever you like
Me: What kind of pizza do you like?
Him: I like whatever you like, you're the boss!
Me: Do you drink soft drinks? If so what kind because I was thinking we could order a pitcher together?
Him: I drink them sometimes, I'll drink whatever you want to order.
After dealing with this type of exchange all day (even putting together what we were going to do for the day went that way), I just couldn't take it anymore. I ordered the meal when he was in the bathroom and decided I'd just grin and bear it for the rest of the date. I asked him some questions one of which was why he thought I should get into a relationship with him. Although his answer was not bad "Because I'll never disappoint you," his demeanor during this talk bothered me a lot. It's something I'd noticed before, but ignored. He covered his mouth with both his hands when he talked to me about anything serious and averted his eyes to some point behind me (and off to the side). Both of these body language tells REALLY bother me because when I speak to a person I like to make direct eye contact and covering your mouth indicates that you're not being totally honest.
After a yummy pepperoni pizza, I suggested we walk around a little bit more. We walked down towards Canal Street and then back up to the village. I was a little quiet throughout the day, but I would point out interesting landmarks for him and whenever I had a question I'd ask. As we were walking back up to the West Village he mentioned for the umpteenth time that if I was tired we could head in (I told him a few times earlier that day I'd let him know when I was ready to head in). At that point I said "OK" and headed for the train station.
It was at the train where he asked for a kiss instead of just giving one. For me it wasn't really that he asked, but it was more of how he asked that rubbed me the wrong way. I think by this point if he'd just leaned in and given me a kiss I would have appreciated it more than him trying to negotiate a kiss out of me on the subway platform. I guess in the end it was really just a matter of timing. So he's following me as I'm headed down the stairs to the F train and we had a really awkward kiss on the stairwell. He made the comment that "someone" needs kissing lessons. My retort was "Yep, someone definitely needs lessons after that one."
I got home and later he called and left me a voicemail message saying he would leave me alone, but wanted to ask me some questions before he did. Then about 10-15 minutes later he called me and told me he'd lost his car keys somewhere. I helped him to call the restaurant with no luck and I think he ended up taking another bus back to his apartment. He found the keys the next day, but thankfully I never had to answer his questions.
All in the date wasn't bad, but I realized that I can't date someone that bothers me this much if we hang out for more than a couple of hours. I know this probably sounds arrogant, but he truly wasn't a good match for me because he just isn't at my level. I've mentioned it here before, but it was made clear by our date on Saturday. I have a strong personality and I need someone who has an equally strong personality that's a compliment to my own (strong personality). I can't date someone who continues to "Yes" me to death or can't even look me in the eye when we're having serious conversation. And let's be real here -- I'm a tall girl with sturdy bone structure. If I feel like I'm the protector in the relationship then the dude isn't man enough for me (I honestly think that's why I love really tall men).
I'm out of the office on Wednesday and Friday, but I'll try to write a little something for Thursday. Have a great week otherwise.
Friday, April 24, 2009
First off all HAPPY FRIDAY to you! I'm so glad that it's the end of this week of late nights in the office; plus I seem to be developing some sort of cold/sinus issue that's getting worse. Now I'm working on building up my energy for all of my weekend plans. Tonight I'd rather go home, put my PJ's on and sleep the whole weekend through. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately for my social life) I have plans both tonight and tomorrow. Tonight's plans include heading over to Hoboken, NJ to celebrate one of my former co-workers birthday's at the new W Hotel. Tomorrow I have a full day of hanging out with Mr. Ex (our plans are still TBD, but I think we're going to do the NYC tourist experience).
Today I wanted to talk about some of my own prejudices. I received correspondence from two different men who happened to fall into the same age category (on different dating websites). I responded to both of them in a nice way, but I'd actually consider going out on a date with only one of them, even though they both seem to be pretty similar on the surface (both writers).
Bachelor #1 (50 years old lives in Brooklyn):
I really don't think it's a great idea to be describing mysef, but then it would be tough for you to get an idea of what kind of person I am, wouldn't it?So I will say that I am fun, funny, sweet, open, intense, smart, curious, bookish but outgoing, adventurous, musical, literate, patient, well travelled, with a ton of life experience (ok, so sometimes I just need to learn things the hard way). I've lived in some interesting parts of the world, and I try to keep an open mind about different ways of living. I appreciate people who are open-minded, nonjudgemental, curious, compassionate, funny, and I hope I am most of those things. On my great days, I am.I do not get angry, and I believe it's really, really important to discuss openly what's on our minds and in our hearts.I'm curious about people and how they live and what they think. I've lived in a few countries and have been humbled by the experience. I love exploring new places, meeting new people, and just being turned on by life.I am sexy, affectionate, generous, and open minded, but I can be a pain in the butt sometimes (i hope in a nice way).i am very much into music, writing, books, the outdoors, food, cooking, and am adventurous and always looking to explore: new music, writers, places, meeting new people...you name it.I am amicably divorced and a father of 2 amazing daughers who live in another state with their mother, but I am a very active father.I am looking for someone who can appreciate my good qualities and hopefully be patient with my lesser ones. Someone who is independent, bright, open, curious, and ready for anything (and for me).
Bachelor #2 (51 years old lives in NJ)
I'm a writer, author, poet, playwright, drummer, story teller, motivational speaker and an international traveler. I teach Afrikan Studies, specializing in ancient Kemet (Egypt). I do ancient Kemet meditation, and i am a Grand Master in Afrakan Martial Arts.
I would like to meet someone who is Afrikan centered or loves Afrika and Afrikan people, educated, in shape, concerned about health, and loves the outdoors. Also opened minded, willing to think outside the box. Please have a photo if you want a response!
Now I have to admit that my responses were mostly based on the pictures both of the men had up on their profiles. I simply found one to be a little more attractive than the other guy. I must disclose that one guy was white and the other black.
Initially, I wasn't attracted to Bachelor #2 at all based on his picture. I have to wonder why I could consider giving the first guy a chance, but not Bachelor #2, simply because I thought he was too old for me. Seriously my reason for immediately dismissing Bachelor #2, the fact that he was 51. This now seems pretty irrational to me and I realize I have some HUGE prejudices. If I'm honest with myself I'll admit that the fact that his picture has him in full Afrikan garb, (dread)locks and with all the language about wanting to meet someone who is Afrikan centered freaked me out a little. Yes, I'm a woman of color (African American descent), but I wouldn't consider myself to be especially militant. Truth be told, Bachelor #2 seems like that type of guy that I might see hanging out on the streets up in Harlem on Brooklyn selling incense. Nothing wrong with that type of man, just not someone I'd normally associate with on any level (friendship or otherwise).
Bachelor #1 is a divorcee with two kids. Dating someone with kids is usually someone I wouldn't consider seeing, but the older I get the harder I realize it's possible to stick to that rule. I'll admit the thing that appealed to me most about Bachelor #1 was the fact that he seems well traveled, hey he's even lived in several foreign countries. This is a guy I could see myself be-friending if I were out having drinks and met him that way.
I haven't even gotten into the issue of age. I have been questioning whether it's really appropriate for me to consider dating someone in their 50's. When I was younger (22) I dated someone who was much older (45) , but now I wonder what is really appropriate? I know that I'm a relatively mature 30, but getting into the territory of dating someone in their 50's makes me nervous. To put this into context my mother is 51 years old. So if I open the door to dating someone who is in their 50's, for me it would be just like dating one of my parents.
I have to admit that I puzzle even myself sometimes with my contradictory, irrational thought processes about my issues. I'm curious to hear your thoughts on this subject. What's appropriate? Do you have any prejudices (or as I like to call them preferences) that you won't ever change? How often do you find yourself judging a book by its cover? I sure have a lot to think about, but this is all helpful for my journey (I hope).
Thanks again for taking the time to read the blog today and I hope that you'll become one of my followers or leave comment if you like what you're reading here. If you're in the northeast make sure you head outside this weekend to enjoy some of the 80 degree weather we're supposed to have tomorrow and Sunday. Have a great weekend!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wow, this has been a whirlwind couple of weeks for me. I know that I have been a quite scarce around the blogosphere and I blame it wholeheartedly on my job. I have some good news from my trip to Belgium last week. I was officially accepted into the MBA program at Vlerick Leuven Gent Management School (YAY). After taking last week off from work, I've been busy the past couple of days just getting caught up with all of the projects we have going on now. I have lots of planning and thinking to do in the meantime to get prepared for my big move and life change.
All of the exciting developments in my life mean that I haven't focused on dating nearly as much as I did a few weeks ago. I have been using some of this time to get to know Mr. Ex a whole lot better and we are becoming friends. I believe we mutually like and respect each other quite a bit. He would like things to move along a whole lot faster than I'm allowing them to happen and he has affectionately nicknamed me The Boss which I don't mind now, the name is growing on me.
Mr. Ex asked me a tough question last night on the phone. "What do you say about us if people ask you? What do you tell your friends and family?" I was hoping to avoid this question (forever) because I have soooo many balls in the air right now (work is busy and I am moving to Europe in a few months). He also has no idea that I have a dating blog and that I've written about him here quite a few times. Since the last time I updated you all we've had quite a few in depth conversations. I finally got him to stop talking about his exes and we see eye to eye on most of the big issues in life. So my answer was "I tell people we're dating." He has hinted around before about getting into a relationship together, but I fiercely remind him that I am moving away and that I DON'T DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS. I've offered up many opportunities for us to end things, yet he keeps saying "You never know what will happen, let's just go with it."
I am a planner by nature. I don't like a lot of surprises in my life. Although I don't consider myself to be rigid, I am a bit of a control freak. My life has a plan and I tick my goals off on a regular basis. I need to guide things at least a little bit. So we'll see how things develop with my friendship. I know many of you like me feel like Mr. Ex is a risky proposition (for me) given the fact that he (seems) to be finding his way. What can I can say about him? He is working (he has a couple of part-time gigs) and I've found him to be a genuine person. I think he's helped me to grow as a person, but part of me has to wonder if his lack of career is a sign of bigger issues that he's kept hidden thus far. I'm watching him like a hawk; for now all I can do is to enjoy his company and the time we spend together.
Thanks for reading and I appreciate all of the support from you. If you like what you're reading or you have something to say don't feel shy, chime in or better yet become one of my followers! Have a wonderful evening.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Today is warm at a balmy 60 degrees here in NYC, especially given that we had snow yesterday. I'm very excited because I have two more days here at work and then I'm on my way to Brussels this weekend! It's a big week for me because I have a full day of testing and an interview for one of the MBA programs that I'm interested in next Wednesday. This week has been busy for me and I've been a little scattered, but today is surprisingly quiet.
When I woke up this morning, my first thoughts were about what I should write about today. After some thought, I decided that I should just write about my current state of mind. Quite simply it's SCATTERED. The scatter is currently interfering with my interest in dating. For me, being scattered is the biggest killer of my mojo. I tend to lose interest in making the effort when I get caught up in focusing on the (other) things in my life that are vying for my attention (work, family, health, education). Scatter is something that I knew was an issue for me before I even began writing this blog. I realize now that the scatter is creeping back in and rearing it's ugly head.
The best way to describe it is a feeling of what I imagine ADHD feels like. I especially notice it even more in my conversations with Mr. Ex in the past few weeks (even prior to the talk we had on Monday). This leads to some of the bad behavior on my part that I've hinted at in some of my previous blogs. I ignore his calls just because I just don't feel like talking. I have successfully avoided committing to a date this week prior to my leaving for vacation although if I wanted to I could do it. And most importantly of all, I barely think of him unless I see it's him calling me on the phone. This is a bad sign.
I realize that my scattered state of mind is not the only reason for my lack of interest in Mr. Ex, (maybe I'm realizing I'm just not that into him), but it certainly doesn't help the issue. The scattered behavior is a pattern in my life that I'd like to break, but I'm still figuring out the best remedy for it. Am I the only one out there that has this problem?
Yesterday I had a chance meeting (I was eating alone and she asked if she could share my table) during lunch at Cosi with a lovely woman who has an e-commerce handbag business. Mrs. Handbags and I started talking and I discovered that she'd worked for many years in media . As a result of her career in sales, she spent MANY years living out of a suitcase. She said that although she married when she was 27, it was very tough because her lifestyle was so different at the time. When she was finally ready to settle down and have kids she did it and having a child changed her life completely. She was happy that she did it later in life because she felt that she has lived a full life and it made her more ready to make the sacrifices for her new situation as mother and wife. Her story reminded me that for a relationship to work both parties involved have to make room in their lives for it. Up until this year I really had not made room for it, nor could I with all of the traveling (for work), checking out the best clubs and restaurants and socializing I was doing.
In the end it just comes down to balance. I realize that too much of one thing is NOT good for me. It's something that I struggle with each day and I hope that one day I'll find the perfect balance for me. Until then I'll try my best not to be so SCATTERED. Thanks for taking the time out to read my blog today. If you're in NYC I hope that you'll make sure to get out and enjoy a little bit of the sunshine we have today. My countdown to vacation has begun. In case I don't get to blog tomorrow (very likely) have a fantastic week while I'm away.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
I hope that you're surviving the ups and downs we're having with the weather. Yesterday here in NYC it was pouring rain; today the temperature has dropped back down into the 40's (with the wind chill it feels like the 30's), yet all I can think about right now is the future. It's funny because the more I mature, the more I realize that my priorities are shifting. The goals of becoming a member of some board or the SVP of This and That no longer matter nearly as much as they did just a couple of years ago. Life is polishing some of the rough edges on me. Now more than ever I just want a bright and happy future for myself and my loved ones.
Yesterday I had a tough conversation with Mr. Ex, which resulted in him saying "Well I guess it's a waste of time for us to go out again." FINALLY I had the guts to say what's been on my mind for a few weeks now.
I had no intention of bringing it up yesterday, but he mentioned to me again of his desire to write a book. I told him that he should get started on this goal right now by devoting at least one hour of his day to writing. If you don't know this about me, I'm a strong believer in setting a goal and then working towards that goal. So I asked him flat out how he felt about his goals and whether or not he's good at meeting his goals. Probably not the most direct way to ask the question I wanted the answer to, but I wanted to hear his response. He said that he's met some of his goals and that some he definitely hasn't met yet, but overall he feels ok with where he is in life to date. I told him honestly that the reason I ask him so many questions about his goals is because I find him to be a bit of an enigma to me. He talks a good game and says that he wants to settle down, yet if you look at his accomplishments to date on paper, it doesn't add up to very much.
One thing that has come up in previous conversations with Mr. Ex is his belief that the women he has dated in the past ALL had issues with him not having his college degree. I was honest with him and said that his having the degree is not the problem for me. The biggest issue for me is the fact that he is 36 years old, doesn't seem to have any career goals and seems to be in a holding pattern of some sort. I asked him to think about the issue from my perspective. How would he feel if he was the one who had it going on all levels (career, financials, physical and spiritual) and he was dating someone who seemed to be floundering (similar to his current situation)? His response this response to me was "Behind every man is a good woman." I agree that this statement is true, but asked him if he felt he should have his situation a little more stable before getting into a serious relationship. It was at this moment that the battery in his phone started to die and he told me he'd call me back.
When Mr. Ex called me back later that evening, he told me that he understood where I was coming from. Apparently he had been thinking about this too (although I think for him he really thought it was about whether he has a degree or not) and I had to ask him again if he felt he was ready to get into a serious relationship with anyone. He said that he is indeed ready and declared that things will fall into place for him. That he has the desire and that he's had a few setbacks in life, but he truly believes that he will be ok. He then shared that before he moved to NJ he had worked on a business plan for a couple of businesses (an Angolan restaurant and an import/export business). He said that he had a business plan that he worked on a few years ago, but that he's had a few setbacks over the years and has not worked on launching either in some time.
I got the sense that life for him got off track for Mr. Ex in 2003. That's the year he fixated on and that seems to be the last time he felt like he was doing well in regards to his work and financial life. He gave me a little of the back story about the situation, which involved living with a woman, a break-up and a car (always a recipe for disaster in my book). Needless to say he said for the first time in all of our talks that if things don't work out for him in NJ in a year he will probably move home. This is someone who just a week and a half ago on our last date said he never wants to move back home. Honestly, I think it is as a result of pressure from his family to move home because they see the same thing I see someone who is in his mid-30's floundering.
I am happy that I got this off my chest because I had been holding back because quite simply I wasn't sure how to tactfully bring it up. I don't think that this will always go down so smoothly, but in this instance it was a conversation that I learned more about myself than anything. Mr. Ex said that he still likes me and is interested in having another date with me (he actually wanted to go out tonight), but I have plans with some of my girls from work that I can't cancel. I'm still considering things, but to be honest I feel more comfortable with watching Mr. Ex and his situation to see how it develops. I hope that his claim that he will make it happen is true (for his sake).
Thanks again for reading my blog. I love hearing from you guys and this whole process is helping me to grow up (even more). Hope that you enjoy the rest of this week no matter what it brings your way. I'm realizing that being flexible is just as important as following the plan.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
It's Tuesday and I can't wait for this weekend to come! I am busy studying for the GMAT and finishing up my final b-school application. Meanwhile my body is telling me I need to chill out. I woke up this morning with a burning stomach and a headache leftover from last night. The source of my headache is work related and I'll get a break from it starting tomorrow until the end of this week. So... today's blog might be more scattered than usual, because my brain is processing information at much slower rates today. :o)
Yesterday I promised to give a recap of my date with Mr. Ex last Friday. I know that many of you are wondering why I went out with him again, after our conversation on Thursday (the night prior to our Friday date). I have thought about it quite a bit and all I can say is that his treatment of me up until that phone conversation has been pretty respectable. He was attentive and most of all he's an intelligent man (I always feel like I learn something after our conversations). When we were setting up our date on Thursday night he said he just wanted to keep it open and not worry about planning what we going to do.
Friday comes and I didn't hear from Mr. Ex until almost 6 PM; in my head I'm thinking this date isn't going to happen. Mentally I'd already started planning my alternative night of catching up on my Netflix movies in my PJ's (and perhaps buying some Nilla Cakesters on the way home). The first thing he says on the phone is "I thought you didn't want to go out with me because I didn't hear from you." I was expecting him to make the call since he has been the initiator of all of our dates.
We finally met up at Port Authority (Mr. Ex takes a bus in from NJ) a little after 8:30 PM. He had stopped and bought me donuts from Dunkin because he remembered that I like sweets; a nice gesture thought I didn't end up eating any of them. I suggested we walk up to Hell's Kitchen (hood in NYC for all you non-New Yawkers) and maybe find a place to sit down and talk. Our walk uptown was a little awkward because he was pretty quiet. I think he was probably thinking about the stupid ish he said the night before. I was my usual bubbly self (I hate conflict) and usually if I don't want to deal with you I simply (passive aggressively) ignore your phone calls until you (give up and) stop calling.
We ended up stopping to have dinner at a restaurant I occasionally frequented when I worked in the 'hood. Rice n Beans is a Brazilian restaurant and Mr. Ex loved it there because the flavors were similar to the Portuguese food he grew up on in Angola. He shared a little bit of his knowledge about the food and gave me a little history of how Brazilians took some of the Angolan culture and claimed it as theirs. Did you know capoeira originated in Angola? I sure didn't, but now I do because of my time with Mr. Ex. He also spoke to our waiters in Portuguese and I think speaking in his native tongue made him more comfortable. Finally we started talking and he eventually said that he was "ok with waiting the 90 days for me, because he would like a relationship with me." He says he is serious about me, although he would 'do what he had to do in the meantime.'
Now this whole 'do what you gotta do' doesn't bother me while I'm not in a relationship with you; quite simply at this stage if I'm just dating you, then I have no claims on you. If we decide that we're together (doesn't mean married), then 'do what you gotta do' doesn't fly with me.
Cut to the next day...
On the Saturday after our date Mr. Ex mentioned that he wanted to take his profile down from pof.com where we met. Then he asked if I was planning to take my profile down. My non-commital response was I would take my profile down once I'm in a (committed) relationship. He didn't really have any response to that, nor did he offer to get into a relationship and I guess this means he still has to handle some business. He also asked me if I was able to have kids in this conversation. Baby on the brain much? I told him in no uncertain terms I have no interest in getting pregnant at this time (if ever).
Back to our date on Friday night...
The rest of our date was relatively uneventful, (besides him kissing me once) we walked around after dinner because of the warmer weather, then I dropped him off back at the Port Authority. We did have an awkward moment where he tried to give me a goodbye kiss and wanted me to wait until he did it. I ended up blowing him a kiss and hopping into the cab home instead of standing there for the passionate embrace he wanted. He did call me later on that night to make sure I made it home safely.
Here you have it, the date after 'The Talk' was fine. I had a nice time and Mr. Ex traeted me with respect. My biggest issue with him is the fact that he seems to be something that he referred to me as "an enigma." He's a grown man, who seems ready to settle down although his life seems to be in transition. Mr. Ex is an enigma to me (something he told me he thought I was on our date). On one hand: he doesn't have a career to speak of (he currently works a couple of part-time jobs), lives with two roommates (he's 36 years old), tells bad jokes and says he can't wait 90 days without 'doing what he has to do.' On the other hand: he treats me well, is attentive, intelligent, seems geniune and told me he wants a long term relationship with me. There is something else going on here, but I'm not sure what. Why is he so concerned about my fertility? I have a lot to consider, but you'll hear more about this once I decide whether to NEXT him.
Thanks again for reading today. Hope that the rest of your week is fantastic; I'm planning to hunker down for the rest of this week (after tonight) and study. Remember I love to hear from you so don't hesitate to comment or become a follower.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Happy Monday to you all! This weekend went by way too quickly for me. I always come back to work every Monday thinking I could use one more day to just relax. Most of my time this weekend was divided between cleaning, grocery shopping and studying with a big emphasis on studying. I had a date on Friday night with Mr. Ex, which I'll recap in tomorrow's blog.
I recently read Steve Harvey's book, "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man," as most of you know. While I don't necessarily take everything Steve says in the book to heart, I agree with most of the advice he gives. One of the things Steve recommends is waiting at least 90 days before having sex with someone. Steve's book isn't the first place I've heard this advice. In the past I haven't always waited like I know I should, but it is now my current policy. All of you may not agree with this policy because it might work for you and because if I'm honest with myself, sometimes it's freakin HARD to wait. My hormones are constantly telling me "Girl you better do something about this drought situation RIGHT NOW!" (I hear crickets chirping right now so I must be the ONLY one with raging hormones).
Cut to last Thursday night during one of my phone conversations with Mr. Ex. Generally he asks intelligent, thought provoking questions and up to this point we'd been getting closer and closer to really discussing the 'sex issue' for a while. Finally he breaks out with a question that shook me a little "Have you ever been pregnant before?" I answered honestly with no and also added that I have no desire to get pregnant at this point in my life. We talked a little bit more and then I broke the news to him that I'm not planning to sleep with him for at least 90 days. His reaction to my bombshell was very eye-opening and surprising for me because up until this point he'd been very gentlemanly.
He basically said he didn't think waiting 90 days was possible and that he'd never heard of such a thing from a woman before. I just laughed and said that it was one of my requirements and that he could take it or leave it. Then he proceeded to say that he didn't know that he could wait for me and that I would have a hard time finding someone willing to wait 90 days. Then he tried to convince me that things have to happen naturally and you can't put deadlines on things. The kicker of the whole conversation for me was the fact that he said he felt like I should have put this bit of information up on my profile. That statement alone was HYSTERICAL to me (really put this on my dating profile). He also told me he felt that you run out of things to do on dates if you don't sleep with each other at some point within the 90 day window. I just laughed at all of his arguments for not waiting for 90 days, but inside I was thanking my lucky stars that this topic came up and I was hearing his real unedited reaction to the issue. My CPS was (and is still) in full effect now since our conversation (thanks Digi Jay for the terminology).
We had a few more back and forth exchanges and then decided to continue with our date plans for Friday night. In hindsight I have no idea why I agreed to go out with him again; after our conversation I figured it would be a waste of both of our time. I truly believe at this point he was planning to try to convince me of the error of my ways on Friday. In Mr. Ex's defense he said that having sex with me wasn't the only reason he was interested in me. Our conversation gave me lots to think about and made me realize that there is wisdom in waiting 90 days, because you can truly do more fact finding about the other person; like a trial period to figure out whether it's worth going further. I know that having a 90 day waiting period isn't the right choice for everyone, but for me at this stage in my life (and my emotional growth), it's the right choice for me.
I hope you have a great week - so far this one seems to be off to a good start for me. I'm feeling good and I believe we're in for some beautiful weather this week. Tomorrow I'll blog about our date on Friday after our Thursday night 'talk.'
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I can't believe how quickly the month of March has gone. It's almost April - can you believe it?!? Truly I hope that April will be a month of renewal and opportunity for everyone; because I simply don't want to hear anymore bad news. While I know that many of you are going through your own personal struggles I really hope that you can hang on just a little while longer. Recently I re-connected at a networking event with someone I worked with a few years ago. We had a meeting a week later where I gave her a few names and phone numbers of people I thought she should meet with for business opportunities and networking purposes. Yesterday she called just to say "thank you" and that gave me the boost I needed to make it through the rest of my day yesterday. It's little things like this that help to keep me hopeful that things will indeed get better.
Yesterday was full of surprise phone calls and text messages; two blasts from the (recent) past, Mystervee and Youngun both called/texted me yesterday. Although Youngun has been less frequent with his contact, he has shown more interest in texting me (for a job) than Mystervee. Youngun has now taken to texting me every week and a half or so and sometimes I respond, sometimes I don't. Yesterday I decided to entertain his texts and our text conversation ended with his last text to me "It's ok...still tryin to make it. I'm also looking for a better job now too." This is the second time he's mentioned this in a text conversation with me and I suppose I should just tell him that if he's looking for a job he should just e-mail me with his resume or even give me a call to discuss what he's looking for...I will blame his ignorance on the right way to network for a job on his youth and keep it moving.
Mystervee's call interrupted my response to Youngun's final text; Almost immediately after not picking up his call, I got a text with his phone number in it (no voicemail message). I thought about calling him back, but I realized that there really isn't any reason for me to speak to him. I know what he's interested in and although some of you may disagree with me, I felt his lack of respect for me the first time around was enough for me. Ignoring that call and not calling him back was probably one of the HARDEST things I've done in a long time. Why? Because like most women I wanted to get some sort of closure on our situation and find out why he treated me like a $5 hooker. Although I'm curious about WHY he called me, I'm not curious enough to be distracted from finding the right man for me. I know that talking to him would be a waste of my time and if I'm true to what I have set out to do, I need to stay focused on my goal.
I think it's funny that people come out of the woodwork just when you thought you'd put them out of your mind. Hopefully with a little focus, common sense and self preservation, I'll stop repeating some of the mistakes I've made in past relationships. I believe these distractions pop up to test whether or not you're ready for the real thing. I hope that I passed this particular "distraction test" so that I can move on to the right situation for me.
Thanks for always giving me good feedback and I hope that you enjoy what you're reading here. I love hearing from you and I hope that you'll become a follower or comment (I don't bite, even if we have differing opinions). Enjoy your Thursday - it's almost the weekend! YEAHHHHH!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Today is Tuesday and I am in a fantastic mood. This week I'm focused on getting some things crossed of my personal to-do list, so I'm not going out nearly as much as I have been in the past couple of weeks. This is a good thing and I hope that as a result I'll be announcing some good news in the next couple of months. Now if only the weather would cooperate and WARM UP!
In yesterday's blog I gave you a recap of my date with Mr. Ex and today I want to provide you with a recap of my date on Saturday night with The E-card Stalker.
Now I'd initially set up my Saturday night date with The E-card Stalker on Monday last week. Prior to that we had talked on the phone maybe a couple of times since our first coffee date (almost a month and a half ago now). I didn't hear from him again until the Friday night before we were supposed to go out. As I was out on my date with Mr. Ex, I didn't get to speak with him on Friday. (FYI- The E-Card Stalker knew that I had plans for Friday night, because when we were setting the date up I told him I couldn't do Friday because I had other plans). I called him back on Saturday morning around 10:30 and he called me back around 1 pm. We decided to meet up at 7:3o that night.
I'd asked The E-card Stalker to plan this date because I was curious to see what he'd come up with and he wanted to meet up at BB King's in Times Square. Now personally I HATE the Times Square area and generally avoid it like the plague whenever I can; I assumed he was taking me to see a show at BB Kings so I was open to the idea of it until I arrived to have him say "They have a show downstairs, we have to go somewhere else." I should take a moment to describe what The E-card Stalker was wearing; he was dressed in exactly the same clothing from our first coffee date - black and white Nike baseball hat, black leather coat, black and white camouflage long sleeve thermal shirt, jeans and Nike running shoes.
I was nice about the change in plans and when we walked out and he guided me to the movie theater next door (same theater I'd been in the night before with Mr. Ex) I promptly made the suggestion to see "I Love You Man." I thought that the 8 o'clock show was sold out, but when we got in the cashier said that there were still seats in that show. Hallelujah! Finally I was going to see the movie I really wanted to see. Now as we were heading up all of the escalators he starts in again on how hard to reach I am and how the other men must be keeping me busy. I was personally annoyed because for someone who makes the absolute minimal effort to get in touch with me I thought he had a LOT OF NERVE trying to call me out on it. I just smiled nicely and said "I'm not all that hard to reach, our schedules just seem to be at odds." Guess he didn't believe my answer because then he kept going on about my other guys so I told him "Yes, I'm seeing other people."
We headed into the theater and grabbed our seats. Once the movie started up he tried to make a couple of lame jokes one of which was "Will I get a kiss tonight?" I tried not to roll my eyes and just shook my head NO. Early on in the movie he tried to grab my hand and I just pulled my hand away. Something about him and his lame jokes and trying to grab on me 10 minutes in didn't sit right with me. He assumed that he could go there with me and assumed we have more of a relationship than we have, when I kept telling him we need to get to know each other. You barely know me. Quite simply my advice to any man with game "EASE INTO IT PLAYER!"
After the movie (which we both LOVED - it's hysterical), we ended up going to Chevy's right next to the movie theater. The one thing that was GLARING to me, that I didn't bother to call him on is the fact that he didn't remove his baseball hat when we sat down at dinner. This man is 40+ years old and he didn't have the good sense to remove his baseball hat? I think from that moment on I was done with our date.
It's here where we had a little more in depth conversation. Here is where I mentioned again that I felt like he didn't know me well enough to keep saying that he was fond of me and wanted a relationship with me. He brought up my busy schedule again and this is where I told him that my number one priority right now is studying and getting into grad school so although I might be going out socially, I also spend a good deal of my time in classes and studying. When I mentioned my future plans to go to grad school (in Europe) he seemed surprised (although I know I had mentioned to all of my dates that I'm taking a french class and that I'm studying for the GMAT) his response was "I thought the french class was just for fun. I didn't think you would be into moving over there. Guess you'll have to just hop on a plane every month for a visit." WTF?
Personally I felt that The E-card Stalker and I had a lot more chemistry on our first coffee date. I told him straight up and also mentioned how important chemistry was for me in a relationship. I believe you either have chemistry or you don't and he felt you can grow into chemistry with a person. I believe pursuing any sort of relationship without chemistry is a waste of time (and I definitely don't believe you should wait around for it to grow). Some of you may disagree with me here, but that's what I believe. For me chemistry is a connection on any of these three areas: physical, mental and spiritual. If you're connected on all 3 levels I think your relationship has a fair shot at succeeding.
By the end of the night it was clear for me that I had no interest in seeing The E-card Stalker again. When he dropped me off at the entrance to my train he made a last ditch effort to say he wanted to see me again. Have I heard from him since our date? That would be a BIG FAT NO! Maybe he took his cues from me and felt that I just wasn't that in to him so it wasn't worth the effort. The fact that he never made the effort from the beginning up until our 2nd date to truly get to know me in any way and I feel that all of the following are just signs of that.
- He never really called me, nor ever tried to switch up the times he called to try to reach me
- His plans for the date were half-assed
- He didn't make the effort in the way he dressed (nor did he have the good sense to take his baseball hat off at dinner)
- He had no interest in getting to know me or my plans
Hope that you enjoyed reading the blog today. If you like what you're reading here - feel free to become a follower or comment (on the blog) you can even do it anonymously. I promise I won't bite you! Have a great day today.
Monday, March 23, 2009
It's Monday again and although we're officially three days into spring, the weather certainly doesn't seem to be cooperating. It's barely above freezing here in NYC and the fact that I'm still wearing one of my bubble coats at this point in the year makes me wonder if I'll ever get to wear a sundress this season. Warm weather always flips a switch in me that turns me into a social butterfly because there's something magical about spring and summer in NYC. SIGH... So warm weather and REAL SPRING PLEASE COME RIGHT NOW, so that I'll feel the natural desire to be a social butterfly.
The winter weather might explain the mood I was in on Friday prior to my date with Mr. Ex. As you might recall from Friday's blog "Second Dates" although I was excited that we were seeing "I Love You Man," that night, all I really wanted to do was go home, snuggle in my PJ's, watch my Netflix selections and eat some Nilla Cakesters (YUM). Now Mr. Ex and I had confirmed the night before that we were meeting up at 8 pm. I told him that I would send him the details (by e-mail) and normally we usually talk on the phone, day of, to triple confirm our plans. In fact, one thing you should know about Mr. Ex is that he is pretty consistent with calling to check in on me or confirm plans; he isn't one to drop off the radar at all. This is actually one of the things I like most about him is his consistency. When I hadn't heard from him by around 6 pm (and he hadn't responded to the email) I gave him a call. He didn't answer, so I left him a message saying to call me back to confirm that we were still on for 8 pm. To kill time before our meeting time I went and got a mani-pedi at my local nail spot.
I called Mr. Ex a second time around 7:15, but didn't leave a message, while I was in the nail shop. By this point it wasn't looking good for us to meet up because I hadn't heard anything from him at all. Once my appointment was done at 7:55 I headed over to the Kmart near my office to kill time, because we were supposed to meet up for the 8 PM showing at the AMC on 34th Street. I called him and left a message saying "Hey it's G... and right now it's around 8 and we were supposed to meet up and I still haven't heard from you, I'll give it a few minutes and then I'm probably going to head home. I hope that everything is ok for you."
After leaving my message for Mr. Ex, I called The Roodster and asked her advice on when it would be appropriate for me to hop on the next C train to Brooklyn. After explaining the situation she said "Give him about 10 minutes then it is appropriate for you to leave." I have to admit I was secretly glad to have an unexpected free night, although my pride was a little hurt to be stood up. It's been a while since I've been stood up. The Roodster completely understood where I was coming from; afterwards we continued our conversation and discussed her plans for that evening. I gave her my two cents about her situation and it was 8:10 before we knew it.
After I ended the call with The Roodster, I headed downstairs to the ground floor of Kmart and proceeded to pick up a few things (a box of Nilla Cakesters included). After I made my purchases headed for the train. I was standing on the platform waiting for the C train (an E had just passed), I had my headphones in, I'm all bundled up and I'm holding all these shopping bags in my hand. The train pulls into the platform and who do I see, but Mr. Ex on the train. I was sort of in shock and I'm sure I had lots of emotions playing on my face (shock, disappointment, happiness, surprise, anger, shock)! I really wasn't expecting to hear from him again that night at least and here he was in front of me. He got off the train and I tapped him and he was just as surprised to see me standing there too.
Mr. Ex explained that he lost his phone and after realizing it on the bus in from NJ, stopped in an internet cafe in Times Square to get my number and the info about our meeting time. Then he asked me if I was really planning to leave when he saw me? I said Yes I was because I hadn't heard from you at all and wasn't sure that he was coming since he hadn't made contact before our meeting time or responded to my phone calls. So at this point I knew that we were definitely not making it to the 8 PM showing of "I Love You Man," so I suggested we head to one of the movie theaters in Times Square (an area that I absolutely ABHOR). He grabs my bags from me and said "What does it look like with you carrying those bags and I'm with you, not carrying anything?"
We got to Times Square and the 9:15 showing of "I Love You Man" was already sold out. I was sad that I wasn't going to see the movie I REALLY wanted to see; so I asked Mr. Ex what else he felt like seeing and he said it didn't matter to him. The only things up next were "Sunshine Cleaning" and "Taken" so I decided to do "Taken," hoping that it was escapist enough for me. After the movie (good, but super violent) we decided to walk around Times Square a little bit to talk. I learned a little bit more about him and what he's seeking in his next relationship. He said he's at the point where he's ready to get serious with someone, he wants to get a full-time job in the next six months (yep, I asked the question from Steve Harvey's book), he told me a little about his plans for the next few years, his background, why his name is portuguese and other things. Overall my impression of him after this second date is that he is a decent man and knows how a woman should be treated.
At the end of our date he saw me into a cab home (didn't offer to pay for it though) and called me once he was home to make sure I made it home. He also called me again on Saturday (we didn't talk) and then we talked a couple of times again on Sunday. He seems to be supportive of my plans for the future plans to start my MBA program, he was very respectful of me and I like the fact that he doesn't take anything for granted with me. When he asked if I was still dating other people I was honest and said at this point yes I am. He's paying attention and saying all of the right things and for me it's a nice change. I'm looking forward to our next date and he's even stepping up to the plate (at my suggestion that he should take the lead on planning our next dates) and has given a couple of ideas for our next couple of dates. Seeing someone that is actually paying attention and making adjustments accordingly to my responses is something I'm enjoying immensely. It's a nice change, very seductive (remember I'm reading "The Art of Seduction" right now) and I realize now that dating someone that understands the art of seduction is something I need to experience right now. I'm really looking forward to our next date.
Tomorrow I'll give you a re-cap of my date with The E-card Stalker. I'm thankful that I got to do these dates back to back, because having them a day apart really helped me to evaluate the differences in their treatment of me in a way that I haven't ever taken the time to do before. Thanks again for reading the blog today and I hope you have a great week!
Friday, March 20, 2009
It's SPRING! Although we're getting a little snow up here on the first day of spring here in NYC, today might be the BEST Friday yet! My boss is on vacation for the next couple of days (WHOO HOO) and yesterday I booked my flight to Brussels for next month. This week has been super busy for me; more than anything in this world I want to go home tonight, put on my pj's, snuggle in my bed (the MOST comfortable place in this world) and eat some cakesters. BUT, I can't. Why not? Because I have a date tonight!
Tonight I have a date with Mr. Ex (our 2nd one) and we're going to see "I Love You Man." I'm super excited (about the movie) because I've wanted to see it since I first heard my movie star boyfriend, Paul Rudd, is in it. :o) Plus it looks funny and I desperately need to see a comedy right now after such an intense few weeks. We're going to a late-ish movie and I hope that I can stay awake for it.
Yesterday Mr. Ex called me as I was walking to pick up some lunch. I mentioned off hand that my Saturday plans for the daytime had been cancelled. I also mentioned that I was GLAD to have my time back because I needed to run some errands and clean my apartment. Last night Mr. Ex called me and said he remembered my plans changed and thought he should give me a call because he though I might want to change our date for tomorrow during the day because he would need to take Friday off from work. I said no, I wanted to keep the Friday night date because I needed Saturday to take care of some personal things. He was weird about it and when I pressed him further on it he was like "Oh no, I'm ok to do Friday night, it's ok, I can take Friday off, don't feel bad about it." I said "I don't feel bad about it, but why did you suggest a Friday night date if you couldn't do it.?" He was like oh I did take Friday off, I'll just have to go in to work on Saturday morning to make up for it. WTF? I personally think this was a LIE. I just sensed he hadn't make the proper arrangements from what he was saying earlier. Then when I called him on it, he was like oh yes I did take Friday off. Don't make a suggestion then try to passive aggresively get me to change my plans. Say what you mean and make a straight up request like a REAL MAN. I'm sure he did want to change the plans, but he didn't ask me in a straight up fashion and I'm no mind reader.
Tomorrow night I'm supposed to go out on a 2nd date with The E-card Stalker. I've been reading a book called "The Art of Seduction" and he falls into one of the categories they have called "The Anti-Seducer." He still sends me sappy e-cards (I got one on Monday and I wanted to rip my eyelids off after reading it) and our phone conversations remain very stilted. I know I'm partly to blame, but EVERY single conversation he whines to me, that I'm hard to reach; but when I return his phone calls he takes nearly a week to return my calls. WTF? Personally I have already decided he's playing games, but I will go on this 2nd date because I did enjoy his company on our first date and prior to going out with him there felt like his phone conversation left a lot to be desired. If it's a bust, then I'll have my confirmation and will move on from the situation. He's planning this date (at my insistence) and I just hope that I'll have a good time.
So two 2nd dates this weekend. This should offer some funny stories on Monday I suppose. I just hope I can stay awake to survive both of them. I need some down time so on Sunday I plan to put in some much needed veg time. I hope that your week has been as wonderful as mine and thank you again for reading my blog. I love hearing from you and if you like what you're reading don't be afraid to comment or become a follower (at the very least). :o) SHAMELESS PLUG I know, but feed my ego just a little why don't ya? Have a great time this weekend and enjoy the spring!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I can't believe Wednesday is already here! This week seems to be moving a lot more quickly than last week did. Lately I've gone out a lot more and although my outings aren't always dates, I see them all as opportunities to meet someone new. On Monday night, I saw a show @ Carnegie Hall --"Ask Your Mama" based on a poem by Langston Hughes. I had an amazing time that night with my girls EBrown, The Roodster and EJ (Ms. Jackson if you're nasty)! Jessye Norman's voice is AMAZING and the whole night gave me chills (the good kind of course). Last night I went out to have dinner with one of my good friends, The Mama, who recently moved back to NYC from the ATL.
I spend a lot of time talking about relationships with my friends, most especially those of you whom I know personally. One of the topics that comes up frequently relates specifically to me and my non-date nights out. The Roodster and I have discussed this topic at length - Are women who approach the man first desperate sluts? She related the following story to me this past weekend. On the night that we were out after the 1st Saturday party at the Brooklyn Museum she made the off hand comment to one of her friends (who was male) "Oh my girls here are on a mission tonight, they want to meet some men." His response was something along the lines of "Oh your girls sound desperate!" She then proceeded to give him a piece of her mind about the subject saying that it sounded like a DOUBLE STANDARD to her, because if a man said the same thing about going out to meet women, no one would ever refer to him as desperate, he'd be a player or even THE MAN.
I'm wondering if this is what really men are thinking when I approach them when I'm out? Whenever I go out, I want to meet new people and given the right environment I have no problems approaching someone that interests me in some way. I'll admit like most people the first thing you notice about a person of the opposite sex (or the same sex if that's your thing) is their physical appearance. For me once a person opens their mouth that's the true test for keeping me there (and interested). But, I'm wondering now if I approach them do they automatically think that I am approaching them for just a little "Wham, Bam, Thank you ma'm action?"
I don't think that's EVER the way that I position myself when I'm out and about. In fact I work very hard NOT to be that girl. Is it some sort of threat to their manhood for the woman to make the first approach? Perhaps in the next few months I should fall back a little and let the men do a little more of the chasing. For me going out and making the first move is more about getting to know a new person that I happen to find interesting, not about making him my MAN.
What do you think? I find it interesting that in this day and age, there are still some men who think women who make the first move are desperate. It's also pretty funny because in the end I consider myself old-fashioned and would love it if they were to step up and make the first move, but that never seems to happen with me. Some people told me they feel I'm intimidating (maybe it's the height) or that they think I look mean (so not true). In the end I think it's a balancing act, but I'm curious to hear about your experiences.
Thanks again for the support and comments. And if you need something else to read, check out my friend Brooke's blog http://brookeybabysblogspot.blogspot.com/2009/03/im-flirt.html. Her blog today about "Flirting" inspired my topic today. Take the time to enjoy the rest of your week.
Monday, March 16, 2009
It's Monday and I'm actually pretty excited about this week. I have the feeling that it will be even better than last week and I'm anticipating great news coming my way. Tonight I'm planning to hang out with my friends EB, The Roodster and EJ @ Carnegie Hall for "Ask Your Mama" which is based on the Langston Hughes poem of the same name. Jessye Norman and The Roots are supposed to be on the bill (Jessye actually curated this one); it should be a fantastic time. Typing this blog, I just realized that in all of my 9 years of living here in NYC this will be my FIRST time at Carnegie Hall; for me this is a HUGE deal to finally see something at one of the most prestigious venues in the city.
My date on Saturday was equally as lovely and Mr. Ex is someone I met on pof.com. I was the planner for the day - he isn't all that familiar with the city, because he lives in Freehold, NJ. He got in early because he took a bus in and I was about 15 minutes late because I miscalcuated how long it would take me to get into the city since the subway wasn't running between my stop and downtown Brooklyn (which is quite a pain in the arse!) Although I was running late - I was VERY GOOD about keeping him abreast of my progress. I notified him that I was stuck on the bus in Brooklyn, told him when I got on the train headed into the city and called him the moment I stepped off the train to walk over to the restaurant.
I walked into the restaurant and headed straight over to the hostess and told her I was meeting someone. After quickly perusing the place I didn't see anyone that looked like the guy that was my date (or at least the pictures I'd seen online) so I called him and asked if he was there in the restaurant and he said "You're too late, I am in a cab on the way back, you took too long." Now I was PISSED OFF, because I'd just talked to him less than 5 minutes prior to tell him that I was walking over and he hadn't indicated that he was leaving at that point. So I say "Ok, sorry to hear you feel that way," all while standing in front of the hostess, I think she was starting to feel sorry for me. I was already trying to decide whether or not I was going to stay for brunch anyway since I was sooooo HUNGRY, when he walks up behind me, taps me on the shoulder and says he was joking. I think I have a very good sense of humor, but we definitely don't necessarily have similar tastes in what is funny. Personally I don't find his type of humor very funny and given that we don't know each other very well, it's hard to tell when he's joking or not (something that people often tell me). What's interesting is over the course of our getting to know each other on the phone he's made several other jokes of the same ilk that I didn't find funny, which for me was part of the reason I was so unenthusiastic about him in my blog "Dating drought."
Our brunch was at 202 - a restaurant and clothing store, good food and fashion/houseware all into one cute chelsea location. 202 has the best pancakes in the city hands down! We both ordered the pancakes and although we got seated at a more communal style table than I would have liked we did try to get to know each other a little bit more than we had already done on the phone. Mr. Ex is a native of Angola, speaks 5 different languages (including Portuguese and Spanish) and has lived in the US for about 9 years now, initially moving here for school in Michigan. He's an attractive man and came to the date in a nice gray pullover sweater, black button down shirt and jeans.
After grubbing on brunch, we headed over to the Hank Willis Thomas exhibit at the Jack Hainman Gallery in Chelsea. The exhibit was cool, but took us all of 15 minutes to view, so we ended checking out a few of the other galleries on the block. I'd highly recommend going to check out the Nicholas Robinson Gallery - they had a couple of good exhibits there, especially the paintings by Wei Dong. Mr. Ex seemed to really have a great time and we talked a little bit about art and what we personally were interested in and I found out that he writes poetry, but has not done it in a while. I encouraged him to get back into the habit of writing and he said he wanted to start soon.
We left the block with all of the galleries and walked over to the Chelsea Piers area because he wanted to see the water. We continued to chat a little bit about what we're looking for in our relationships, why past relationships haven't worked out and here's where I admitted something to him (and myself) that I've thinking about a lot lately in my homework for myself. In the past I have NOT WANTED a committed relationship at all. Therefore I didn't seek, nor require it from anyone I happened to be seeing at any given time. He also astutely observed that I do want something special in my relationships, which I agree is true. I realize now that I should set about defining what is special to me, because being special could mean so many different things.
So overall I had a good time on my date. Mr. Ex seems to have a good head on his shoulders and he did something, that in my mind was very special; he called me to make sure I made it home safely. This might seem like a very small thing, but for me, doesn't seem to happen all that often at the end of ANY of my dates. It made me think differently about him and I'd consider going out on a second date with him, even though our senses of humor are so different. Plus he did bring up a couple of his past relationships on the date, but his calling me to make sure I made it home safely absolved him of those transgressions (for now)!
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog today. Hope you enjoyed and I'm looking forward to your feedback on this one. Have a wonderful week - I certainly plan on having one.
Friday, March 13, 2009
I don't know about all of you, but I'm certainly happy for the weekend. This has been a fantastic week for me and I can't wait to see what next week brings my way. Last night I played hooky from my french class (forgot my books and hadn't done my homework) so instead when my friend C invited me out to her friends' birthday party. I went with no regrets and had a fantastic time there. We had a good time shaking our booties a little bit and although I didn't make any love connections it was nice to meet some of her friends.
This weekend I have a few plans lined up, but most importantly I have a date tomorrow afternoon with Mr. Ex. Although I was less than enthusiastic about him late last week, when I mentioned him in my blog "Dating drought," I decided that it couldn't hurt to at least go out once with him. Ultimately I think he is a nice guy. He currently lives in NJ and asked me to plan the date because he doesn't know the city very well. We're going to have brunch and then visit the Hank Willis Thomas exhibit, which is in town until tomorrow. I think we'll have a pretty good time and maybe I'll get to learn a little bit more about him once we meet in person besides all of his ex-girlfriends.
I'm also hanging out with some friends tonight: The Blonde One, The Southern Belle and VDub. We're going to check out the new Neil LaBute play "Reasons to be Pretty" tonight and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm a fan of some of Neil's previous works and I'm hoping this stands up to some of his other plays/films. On Sunday, my friend The Roodster, is putting together a book club and our first meeting is to discuss the Steve Harvey book "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man." I'm looking forward to hearing some of the experiences and perspectives of some of the other women in the club. We'll be hanging out in Clinton Hill Brooklyn @ 3PM on Sunday if you want to stop by - just drop me a line for the name of the cafe and directions.
I hope that you all have a great weekend and as always thank you again for all of the insights, invites to parties and dating leads you are all giving me. If you like what you're reading here don't be shy about becoming one of my followers. I promise I won't bite - it's just nice to know you're there and reading. :o)
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I hope that you're having a wonderful day - I certainly am. This morning I was running late and caught a cab to the express train stop and the cab driver didn't have change so he gave me the ride for free. This was so nice and totally unexpected that I hope he receives his blessing to me back in spades. As I was ran from his cab and into the Nostrand Ave. A/C subway station I was able to hop on the train. Even more importantly I completed one of my grad school applications and I have one more to do. That's a big sense of accomplishment for me and now I have to buckle down to complete my last one.
Yesterday one of my friends, Little Miss, read my blog "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and pointed out something I had never considered. She mentioned that all of my descriptions within the blog were all physical descriptions - nothing about personality. I am carefully thinking about this now, because it's actually something that frustrates me when I am getting to know someone. The fact that they don't want to know about me, my interests or my personality frustrates me. On the other hand if you're getting to know a person in a short social situation (e.g. at a party or out at a bar) it's tough to get beyond merely superficial conversation along the lines of "what's your name, what do you do and are you single?"
Have I been objectifying men as merely physical objects all of this time? I would probably need at least a year of therapy to get to the root of any issues I have on this subject, but Little Miss gave me a homework assignment that I'll be working on over the next few weeks. We attract what we value even if it is disguised as something we do not value according to Little Miss. I happen to agree with this statement wholeheartedly. To help me understand some of my behavior and how I am viewing men she suggested I seriously consider doing the following:
1) Take an inventory of all my relationships (past and present) to determine what brought us together
2) Determine what attracted me to each relationship? Determine what need was met by the relationship?
3) Once involved determine why the relationship didn't work? What was it lacking?
I believe going through this process will help me to identify my issues (if any) so that I'm not constantly repeating the same mistakes (which are merely symptoms of the underlying problems). This will take some time if I do it the right way; at the other end I hope that I'll understand myself a lot better.
I encourage you all to do the same if you're find yourself repeating the same mistakes in your relationships. Thanks again for all the support and comments you give me. I learn something from each of you - even if it is a tough lesson. I appreciate all of the feedback you give me.
Monday, March 9, 2009
It's Monday and after having such great weather in NYC this weekend I'm wondering where it all went! I hope that you all had a fantastic weekend and took the time out to enjoy yourselves and the great weather (at least a little bit). Enough of my kvetching about the bad weather I'm proclaiming that this week is going to be fantastic! I feel it in my bones...
This weekend was action packed and I started things off with a bang (sort of) by having a catch-up dinner with a friend of mine (Little Miss) who I haven't seen in forever. She has a new guy in her life that sounds like someone who would be a good man and compliment for her personality. After dinner we headed over to The Slipper Room where we had a nice time checking out a little bit of the Burlesque show that night. Little Miss is currently taking Burlesque classes and I'm considering taking this class when I get some extra dough. I think some burlesque acts are VERY sexy and I believe there can ever be too much sexy in my life.
Saturday night I had a great time hanging out with The Roodster and Lil B at Target's 1st Saturday party at the Brooklyn Museum. The place was packed and diverse and although I wasn't necessarily prepared for a night full of electronica/house music, I still managed to have a good time just watching the eye candy walk by and talking to people. I think all of Brooklyn was out and about that night and I met a couple of people (one very friendly guy fresh off the boat from Croatia) and a couple of handsome men who are friends of my friend DigiJay. Digi Jay was there too and I harassed him to introduce me to his people - DJ you never did, but it's all good because I got to meet them later when we bumped into them later on with The Roodster. I was hoping to see them later on at one of the many after parties in the local hood, but they ended up going home and only one of them came back out later that night.
We ended up heading over to Soda Bar which was a no-frills bar, lounge not far from the museum and in their hip-hop room they had one of the best DJ's I've heard in a while (can't recall his name right now). He was playing all of the hip-hop/R&B hits from the mid-late 90's and early 2000's and boy did I shake my groove thang all night long! The room was full of eye candy and all of Brooklyn's finest. I decided to let loose and get my drink on... and on. I got a little tipsy and very friendly with my new friend Mr. Smell Good. I kept tapping him to get his attention and then turning away ( like I was in the 2nd grade I know) and then finally I asked him if he was hot in his coat. I told him he made me hot just seeing him in it and then he finally took it off and we talked for a bit and asked what scent he was wearing and he told me. From then it was ON.
Mr. Smell Good falls into the category of my big weakness when it comes to men. He was cute and he was 6'5. This is my type I guess you could say just because I ALWAYS feel like a woman when I'm with a man this tall. We talked for a bit and I found out that he's 34, lives in Bedstuy not far from where I love, works in the mental health field and he is in a "complicated relationship." Now normally even continuing a conversation with somebody that's in any type of relationship is a BIG no-no for me and I told him that I believe in karma and didn't want to be disrespectful to his relationship no matter what the status is... by the way I HATE that facebook has given validity to the whole complicated relationship status; I think it's BS (either you're together or you're not)!
We continued to get to know each other and I have to say that we had a strong physical attraction if nothing else. Mr. Smell Good and I were all over each other like white on rice and we got into a groove which for me is always a good thing. I'm making this PG, but I'll say that we would be good together doing the horizontal mambo (if our short time together was any sign). I'm not sure I will give him a call even though he gave me his number before he left. His situation sounds way too messy for me to get into right now and although he told me that "It was already too late for his situation before he met me" I don't even want to deal with finding out. I just hope I haven't completely messed my karma too badly by knowingly involving myself in whatever his situation is (no matter how small my part was); I never like to think of myself as trifling and if I heard this story in the context of this being my man all hugged up on some strange chic in the club, I would call the other girl (me) trifling as well as my man and probably leave his a$$.
If I decide that what I want is a "friends with benefits situation" I think Mr. Smell Good is at the top of my list. I was no angel in this situation and I realize that I should probably do some re-evaluating what I want and why I keep ending up in situations that are headed right for "friends with benefits" zone. I had fun this weekend, I blew off some steam with my friends, met some new people and maybe ended the drought I feared so much last week. I realize I still need to firm up in my mind what I want out of my dating experiences, but I also know that it's about having fun throughout this process.
I hope that you all have a fantastic week - I can't wait for what this week has in store for me. I have the feeling that something very good is about to come my way.