Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Wasted time

Hello my faithful readers:

I hope that you're surviving the ups and downs we're having with the weather. Yesterday here in NYC it was pouring rain; today the temperature has dropped back down into the 40's (with the wind chill it feels like the 30's), yet all I can think about right now is the future. It's funny because the more I mature, the more I realize that my priorities are shifting. The goals of becoming a member of some board or the SVP of This and That no longer matter nearly as much as they did just a couple of years ago. Life is polishing some of the rough edges on me. Now more than ever I just want a bright and happy future for myself and my loved ones.

Yesterday I had a tough conversation with Mr. Ex, which resulted in him saying "Well I guess it's a waste of time for us to go out again." FINALLY I had the guts to say what's been on my mind for a few weeks now.

I had no intention of bringing it up yesterday, but he mentioned to me again of his desire to write a book. I told him that he should get started on this goal right now by devoting at least one hour of his day to writing. If you don't know this about me, I'm a strong believer in setting a goal and then working towards that goal. So I asked him flat out how he felt about his goals and whether or not he's good at meeting his goals. Probably not the most direct way to ask the question I wanted the answer to, but I wanted to hear his response. He said that he's met some of his goals and that some he definitely hasn't met yet, but overall he feels ok with where he is in life to date. I told him honestly that the reason I ask him so many questions about his goals is because I find him to be a bit of an enigma to me. He talks a good game and says that he wants to settle down, yet if you look at his accomplishments to date on paper, it doesn't add up to very much.

One thing that has come up in previous conversations with Mr. Ex is his belief that the women he has dated in the past ALL had issues with him not having his college degree. I was honest with him and said that his having the degree is not the problem for me. The biggest issue for me is the fact that he is 36 years old, doesn't seem to have any career goals and seems to be in a holding pattern of some sort. I asked him to think about the issue from my perspective. How would he feel if he was the one who had it going on all levels (career, financials, physical and spiritual) and he was dating someone who seemed to be floundering (similar to his current situation)? His response this response to me was "Behind every man is a good woman." I agree that this statement is true, but asked him if he felt he should have his situation a little more stable before getting into a serious relationship. It was at this moment that the battery in his phone started to die and he told me he'd call me back.

When Mr. Ex called me back later that evening, he told me that he understood where I was coming from. Apparently he had been thinking about this too (although I think for him he really thought it was about whether he has a degree or not) and I had to ask him again if he felt he was ready to get into a serious relationship with anyone. He said that he is indeed ready and declared that things will fall into place for him. That he has the desire and that he's had a few setbacks in life, but he truly believes that he will be ok. He then shared that before he moved to NJ he had worked on a business plan for a couple of businesses (an Angolan restaurant and an import/export business). He said that he had a business plan that he worked on a few years ago, but that he's had a few setbacks over the years and has not worked on launching either in some time.

I got the sense that life for him got off track for Mr. Ex in 2003. That's the year he fixated on and that seems to be the last time he felt like he was doing well in regards to his work and financial life. He gave me a little of the back story about the situation, which involved living with a woman, a break-up and a car (always a recipe for disaster in my book). Needless to say he said for the first time in all of our talks that if things don't work out for him in NJ in a year he will probably move home. This is someone who just a week and a half ago on our last date said he never wants to move back home. Honestly, I think it is as a result of pressure from his family to move home because they see the same thing I see someone who is in his mid-30's floundering.

I am happy that I got this off my chest because I had been holding back because quite simply I wasn't sure how to tactfully bring it up. I don't think that this will always go down so smoothly, but in this instance it was a conversation that I learned more about myself than anything. Mr. Ex said that he still likes me and is interested in having another date with me (he actually wanted to go out tonight), but I have plans with some of my girls from work that I can't cancel. I'm still considering things, but to be honest I feel more comfortable with watching Mr. Ex and his situation to see how it develops. I hope that his claim that he will make it happen is true (for his sake).

Thanks again for reading my blog. I love hearing from you guys and this whole process is helping me to grow up (even more). Hope that you enjoy the rest of this week no matter what it brings your way. I'm realizing that being flexible is just as important as following the plan.


Georgia Peach


roodster said...

I am glad you where able to get it off your chest.

Latinegro said...

Well, I am glad you were able to get this done. It is good to know what you want, it helps eliminate people.

Brooke said...

knowing what you want and what you will settle for is half the battle. When you're honest with yourself, you're better able to be honest with someone else. I thought your questions were straightforward, not tactless. A person who has his sh*t together will have no problem answering questions or having that discussion. He should want the same thing from you.

See what happens. If nothing else, you probably got him thinking more about his goals and his future, which is a good thing.

Georgia Peach said...

Thanks everyone. I agree with you Brooke that knowing what I want is half the battle. That's tougher than it looks, but this process is helping out a lot.

It was a BIG relief to get it off my chest. I'm much braver now that I'm accountable to everyone out there in blog land. :)