Tuesday, March 31, 2009
It's Tuesday and I can't wait for this weekend to come! I am busy studying for the GMAT and finishing up my final b-school application. Meanwhile my body is telling me I need to chill out. I woke up this morning with a burning stomach and a headache leftover from last night. The source of my headache is work related and I'll get a break from it starting tomorrow until the end of this week. So... today's blog might be more scattered than usual, because my brain is processing information at much slower rates today. :o)
Yesterday I promised to give a recap of my date with Mr. Ex last Friday. I know that many of you are wondering why I went out with him again, after our conversation on Thursday (the night prior to our Friday date). I have thought about it quite a bit and all I can say is that his treatment of me up until that phone conversation has been pretty respectable. He was attentive and most of all he's an intelligent man (I always feel like I learn something after our conversations). When we were setting up our date on Thursday night he said he just wanted to keep it open and not worry about planning what we going to do.
Friday comes and I didn't hear from Mr. Ex until almost 6 PM; in my head I'm thinking this date isn't going to happen. Mentally I'd already started planning my alternative night of catching up on my Netflix movies in my PJ's (and perhaps buying some Nilla Cakesters on the way home). The first thing he says on the phone is "I thought you didn't want to go out with me because I didn't hear from you." I was expecting him to make the call since he has been the initiator of all of our dates.
We finally met up at Port Authority (Mr. Ex takes a bus in from NJ) a little after 8:30 PM. He had stopped and bought me donuts from Dunkin because he remembered that I like sweets; a nice gesture thought I didn't end up eating any of them. I suggested we walk up to Hell's Kitchen (hood in NYC for all you non-New Yawkers) and maybe find a place to sit down and talk. Our walk uptown was a little awkward because he was pretty quiet. I think he was probably thinking about the stupid ish he said the night before. I was my usual bubbly self (I hate conflict) and usually if I don't want to deal with you I simply (passive aggressively) ignore your phone calls until you (give up and) stop calling.
We ended up stopping to have dinner at a restaurant I occasionally frequented when I worked in the 'hood. Rice n Beans is a Brazilian restaurant and Mr. Ex loved it there because the flavors were similar to the Portuguese food he grew up on in Angola. He shared a little bit of his knowledge about the food and gave me a little history of how Brazilians took some of the Angolan culture and claimed it as theirs. Did you know capoeira originated in Angola? I sure didn't, but now I do because of my time with Mr. Ex. He also spoke to our waiters in Portuguese and I think speaking in his native tongue made him more comfortable. Finally we started talking and he eventually said that he was "ok with waiting the 90 days for me, because he would like a relationship with me." He says he is serious about me, although he would 'do what he had to do in the meantime.'
Now this whole 'do what you gotta do' doesn't bother me while I'm not in a relationship with you; quite simply at this stage if I'm just dating you, then I have no claims on you. If we decide that we're together (doesn't mean married), then 'do what you gotta do' doesn't fly with me.
Cut to the next day...
On the Saturday after our date Mr. Ex mentioned that he wanted to take his profile down from pof.com where we met. Then he asked if I was planning to take my profile down. My non-commital response was I would take my profile down once I'm in a (committed) relationship. He didn't really have any response to that, nor did he offer to get into a relationship and I guess this means he still has to handle some business. He also asked me if I was able to have kids in this conversation. Baby on the brain much? I told him in no uncertain terms I have no interest in getting pregnant at this time (if ever).
Back to our date on Friday night...
The rest of our date was relatively uneventful, (besides him kissing me once) we walked around after dinner because of the warmer weather, then I dropped him off back at the Port Authority. We did have an awkward moment where he tried to give me a goodbye kiss and wanted me to wait until he did it. I ended up blowing him a kiss and hopping into the cab home instead of standing there for the passionate embrace he wanted. He did call me later on that night to make sure I made it home safely.
Here you have it, the date after 'The Talk' was fine. I had a nice time and Mr. Ex traeted me with respect. My biggest issue with him is the fact that he seems to be something that he referred to me as "an enigma." He's a grown man, who seems ready to settle down although his life seems to be in transition. Mr. Ex is an enigma to me (something he told me he thought I was on our date). On one hand: he doesn't have a career to speak of (he currently works a couple of part-time jobs), lives with two roommates (he's 36 years old), tells bad jokes and says he can't wait 90 days without 'doing what he has to do.' On the other hand: he treats me well, is attentive, intelligent, seems geniune and told me he wants a long term relationship with me. There is something else going on here, but I'm not sure what. Why is he so concerned about my fertility? I have a lot to consider, but you'll hear more about this once I decide whether to NEXT him.
Thanks again for reading today. Hope that the rest of your week is fantastic; I'm planning to hunker down for the rest of this week (after tonight) and study. Remember I love to hear from you so don't hesitate to comment or become a follower.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Happy Monday to you all! This weekend went by way too quickly for me. I always come back to work every Monday thinking I could use one more day to just relax. Most of my time this weekend was divided between cleaning, grocery shopping and studying with a big emphasis on studying. I had a date on Friday night with Mr. Ex, which I'll recap in tomorrow's blog.
I recently read Steve Harvey's book, "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man," as most of you know. While I don't necessarily take everything Steve says in the book to heart, I agree with most of the advice he gives. One of the things Steve recommends is waiting at least 90 days before having sex with someone. Steve's book isn't the first place I've heard this advice. In the past I haven't always waited like I know I should, but it is now my current policy. All of you may not agree with this policy because it might work for you and because if I'm honest with myself, sometimes it's freakin HARD to wait. My hormones are constantly telling me "Girl you better do something about this drought situation RIGHT NOW!" (I hear crickets chirping right now so I must be the ONLY one with raging hormones).
Cut to last Thursday night during one of my phone conversations with Mr. Ex. Generally he asks intelligent, thought provoking questions and up to this point we'd been getting closer and closer to really discussing the 'sex issue' for a while. Finally he breaks out with a question that shook me a little "Have you ever been pregnant before?" I answered honestly with no and also added that I have no desire to get pregnant at this point in my life. We talked a little bit more and then I broke the news to him that I'm not planning to sleep with him for at least 90 days. His reaction to my bombshell was very eye-opening and surprising for me because up until this point he'd been very gentlemanly.
He basically said he didn't think waiting 90 days was possible and that he'd never heard of such a thing from a woman before. I just laughed and said that it was one of my requirements and that he could take it or leave it. Then he proceeded to say that he didn't know that he could wait for me and that I would have a hard time finding someone willing to wait 90 days. Then he tried to convince me that things have to happen naturally and you can't put deadlines on things. The kicker of the whole conversation for me was the fact that he said he felt like I should have put this bit of information up on my profile. That statement alone was HYSTERICAL to me (really put this on my dating profile). He also told me he felt that you run out of things to do on dates if you don't sleep with each other at some point within the 90 day window. I just laughed at all of his arguments for not waiting for 90 days, but inside I was thanking my lucky stars that this topic came up and I was hearing his real unedited reaction to the issue. My CPS was (and is still) in full effect now since our conversation (thanks Digi Jay for the terminology).
We had a few more back and forth exchanges and then decided to continue with our date plans for Friday night. In hindsight I have no idea why I agreed to go out with him again; after our conversation I figured it would be a waste of both of our time. I truly believe at this point he was planning to try to convince me of the error of my ways on Friday. In Mr. Ex's defense he said that having sex with me wasn't the only reason he was interested in me. Our conversation gave me lots to think about and made me realize that there is wisdom in waiting 90 days, because you can truly do more fact finding about the other person; like a trial period to figure out whether it's worth going further. I know that having a 90 day waiting period isn't the right choice for everyone, but for me at this stage in my life (and my emotional growth), it's the right choice for me.
I hope you have a great week - so far this one seems to be off to a good start for me. I'm feeling good and I believe we're in for some beautiful weather this week. Tomorrow I'll blog about our date on Friday after our Thursday night 'talk.'
Thursday, March 26, 2009
I can't believe how quickly the month of March has gone. It's almost April - can you believe it?!? Truly I hope that April will be a month of renewal and opportunity for everyone; because I simply don't want to hear anymore bad news. While I know that many of you are going through your own personal struggles I really hope that you can hang on just a little while longer. Recently I re-connected at a networking event with someone I worked with a few years ago. We had a meeting a week later where I gave her a few names and phone numbers of people I thought she should meet with for business opportunities and networking purposes. Yesterday she called just to say "thank you" and that gave me the boost I needed to make it through the rest of my day yesterday. It's little things like this that help to keep me hopeful that things will indeed get better.
Yesterday was full of surprise phone calls and text messages; two blasts from the (recent) past, Mystervee and Youngun both called/texted me yesterday. Although Youngun has been less frequent with his contact, he has shown more interest in texting me (for a job) than Mystervee. Youngun has now taken to texting me every week and a half or so and sometimes I respond, sometimes I don't. Yesterday I decided to entertain his texts and our text conversation ended with his last text to me "It's ok...still tryin to make it. I'm also looking for a better job now too." This is the second time he's mentioned this in a text conversation with me and I suppose I should just tell him that if he's looking for a job he should just e-mail me with his resume or even give me a call to discuss what he's looking for...I will blame his ignorance on the right way to network for a job on his youth and keep it moving.
Mystervee's call interrupted my response to Youngun's final text; Almost immediately after not picking up his call, I got a text with his phone number in it (no voicemail message). I thought about calling him back, but I realized that there really isn't any reason for me to speak to him. I know what he's interested in and although some of you may disagree with me, I felt his lack of respect for me the first time around was enough for me. Ignoring that call and not calling him back was probably one of the HARDEST things I've done in a long time. Why? Because like most women I wanted to get some sort of closure on our situation and find out why he treated me like a $5 hooker. Although I'm curious about WHY he called me, I'm not curious enough to be distracted from finding the right man for me. I know that talking to him would be a waste of my time and if I'm true to what I have set out to do, I need to stay focused on my goal.
I think it's funny that people come out of the woodwork just when you thought you'd put them out of your mind. Hopefully with a little focus, common sense and self preservation, I'll stop repeating some of the mistakes I've made in past relationships. I believe these distractions pop up to test whether or not you're ready for the real thing. I hope that I passed this particular "distraction test" so that I can move on to the right situation for me.
Thanks for always giving me good feedback and I hope that you enjoy what you're reading here. I love hearing from you and I hope that you'll become a follower or comment (I don't bite, even if we have differing opinions). Enjoy your Thursday - it's almost the weekend! YEAHHHHH!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Today is Tuesday and I am in a fantastic mood. This week I'm focused on getting some things crossed of my personal to-do list, so I'm not going out nearly as much as I have been in the past couple of weeks. This is a good thing and I hope that as a result I'll be announcing some good news in the next couple of months. Now if only the weather would cooperate and WARM UP!
In yesterday's blog I gave you a recap of my date with Mr. Ex and today I want to provide you with a recap of my date on Saturday night with The E-card Stalker.
Now I'd initially set up my Saturday night date with The E-card Stalker on Monday last week. Prior to that we had talked on the phone maybe a couple of times since our first coffee date (almost a month and a half ago now). I didn't hear from him again until the Friday night before we were supposed to go out. As I was out on my date with Mr. Ex, I didn't get to speak with him on Friday. (FYI- The E-Card Stalker knew that I had plans for Friday night, because when we were setting the date up I told him I couldn't do Friday because I had other plans). I called him back on Saturday morning around 10:30 and he called me back around 1 pm. We decided to meet up at 7:3o that night.
I'd asked The E-card Stalker to plan this date because I was curious to see what he'd come up with and he wanted to meet up at BB King's in Times Square. Now personally I HATE the Times Square area and generally avoid it like the plague whenever I can; I assumed he was taking me to see a show at BB Kings so I was open to the idea of it until I arrived to have him say "They have a show downstairs, we have to go somewhere else." I should take a moment to describe what The E-card Stalker was wearing; he was dressed in exactly the same clothing from our first coffee date - black and white Nike baseball hat, black leather coat, black and white camouflage long sleeve thermal shirt, jeans and Nike running shoes.
I was nice about the change in plans and when we walked out and he guided me to the movie theater next door (same theater I'd been in the night before with Mr. Ex) I promptly made the suggestion to see "I Love You Man." I thought that the 8 o'clock show was sold out, but when we got in the cashier said that there were still seats in that show. Hallelujah! Finally I was going to see the movie I really wanted to see. Now as we were heading up all of the escalators he starts in again on how hard to reach I am and how the other men must be keeping me busy. I was personally annoyed because for someone who makes the absolute minimal effort to get in touch with me I thought he had a LOT OF NERVE trying to call me out on it. I just smiled nicely and said "I'm not all that hard to reach, our schedules just seem to be at odds." Guess he didn't believe my answer because then he kept going on about my other guys so I told him "Yes, I'm seeing other people."
We headed into the theater and grabbed our seats. Once the movie started up he tried to make a couple of lame jokes one of which was "Will I get a kiss tonight?" I tried not to roll my eyes and just shook my head NO. Early on in the movie he tried to grab my hand and I just pulled my hand away. Something about him and his lame jokes and trying to grab on me 10 minutes in didn't sit right with me. He assumed that he could go there with me and assumed we have more of a relationship than we have, when I kept telling him we need to get to know each other. You barely know me. Quite simply my advice to any man with game "EASE INTO IT PLAYER!"
After the movie (which we both LOVED - it's hysterical), we ended up going to Chevy's right next to the movie theater. The one thing that was GLARING to me, that I didn't bother to call him on is the fact that he didn't remove his baseball hat when we sat down at dinner. This man is 40+ years old and he didn't have the good sense to remove his baseball hat? I think from that moment on I was done with our date.
It's here where we had a little more in depth conversation. Here is where I mentioned again that I felt like he didn't know me well enough to keep saying that he was fond of me and wanted a relationship with me. He brought up my busy schedule again and this is where I told him that my number one priority right now is studying and getting into grad school so although I might be going out socially, I also spend a good deal of my time in classes and studying. When I mentioned my future plans to go to grad school (in Europe) he seemed surprised (although I know I had mentioned to all of my dates that I'm taking a french class and that I'm studying for the GMAT) his response was "I thought the french class was just for fun. I didn't think you would be into moving over there. Guess you'll have to just hop on a plane every month for a visit." WTF?
Personally I felt that The E-card Stalker and I had a lot more chemistry on our first coffee date. I told him straight up and also mentioned how important chemistry was for me in a relationship. I believe you either have chemistry or you don't and he felt you can grow into chemistry with a person. I believe pursuing any sort of relationship without chemistry is a waste of time (and I definitely don't believe you should wait around for it to grow). Some of you may disagree with me here, but that's what I believe. For me chemistry is a connection on any of these three areas: physical, mental and spiritual. If you're connected on all 3 levels I think your relationship has a fair shot at succeeding.
By the end of the night it was clear for me that I had no interest in seeing The E-card Stalker again. When he dropped me off at the entrance to my train he made a last ditch effort to say he wanted to see me again. Have I heard from him since our date? That would be a BIG FAT NO! Maybe he took his cues from me and felt that I just wasn't that in to him so it wasn't worth the effort. The fact that he never made the effort from the beginning up until our 2nd date to truly get to know me in any way and I feel that all of the following are just signs of that.
- He never really called me, nor ever tried to switch up the times he called to try to reach me
- His plans for the date were half-assed
- He didn't make the effort in the way he dressed (nor did he have the good sense to take his baseball hat off at dinner)
- He had no interest in getting to know me or my plans
Hope that you enjoyed reading the blog today. If you like what you're reading here - feel free to become a follower or comment (on the blog) you can even do it anonymously. I promise I won't bite you! Have a great day today.
Monday, March 23, 2009
It's Monday again and although we're officially three days into spring, the weather certainly doesn't seem to be cooperating. It's barely above freezing here in NYC and the fact that I'm still wearing one of my bubble coats at this point in the year makes me wonder if I'll ever get to wear a sundress this season. Warm weather always flips a switch in me that turns me into a social butterfly because there's something magical about spring and summer in NYC. SIGH... So warm weather and REAL SPRING PLEASE COME RIGHT NOW, so that I'll feel the natural desire to be a social butterfly.
The winter weather might explain the mood I was in on Friday prior to my date with Mr. Ex. As you might recall from Friday's blog "Second Dates" although I was excited that we were seeing "I Love You Man," that night, all I really wanted to do was go home, snuggle in my PJ's, watch my Netflix selections and eat some Nilla Cakesters (YUM). Now Mr. Ex and I had confirmed the night before that we were meeting up at 8 pm. I told him that I would send him the details (by e-mail) and normally we usually talk on the phone, day of, to triple confirm our plans. In fact, one thing you should know about Mr. Ex is that he is pretty consistent with calling to check in on me or confirm plans; he isn't one to drop off the radar at all. This is actually one of the things I like most about him is his consistency. When I hadn't heard from him by around 6 pm (and he hadn't responded to the email) I gave him a call. He didn't answer, so I left him a message saying to call me back to confirm that we were still on for 8 pm. To kill time before our meeting time I went and got a mani-pedi at my local nail spot.
I called Mr. Ex a second time around 7:15, but didn't leave a message, while I was in the nail shop. By this point it wasn't looking good for us to meet up because I hadn't heard anything from him at all. Once my appointment was done at 7:55 I headed over to the Kmart near my office to kill time, because we were supposed to meet up for the 8 PM showing at the AMC on 34th Street. I called him and left a message saying "Hey it's G... and right now it's around 8 and we were supposed to meet up and I still haven't heard from you, I'll give it a few minutes and then I'm probably going to head home. I hope that everything is ok for you."
After leaving my message for Mr. Ex, I called The Roodster and asked her advice on when it would be appropriate for me to hop on the next C train to Brooklyn. After explaining the situation she said "Give him about 10 minutes then it is appropriate for you to leave." I have to admit I was secretly glad to have an unexpected free night, although my pride was a little hurt to be stood up. It's been a while since I've been stood up. The Roodster completely understood where I was coming from; afterwards we continued our conversation and discussed her plans for that evening. I gave her my two cents about her situation and it was 8:10 before we knew it.
After I ended the call with The Roodster, I headed downstairs to the ground floor of Kmart and proceeded to pick up a few things (a box of Nilla Cakesters included). After I made my purchases headed for the train. I was standing on the platform waiting for the C train (an E had just passed), I had my headphones in, I'm all bundled up and I'm holding all these shopping bags in my hand. The train pulls into the platform and who do I see, but Mr. Ex on the train. I was sort of in shock and I'm sure I had lots of emotions playing on my face (shock, disappointment, happiness, surprise, anger, shock)! I really wasn't expecting to hear from him again that night at least and here he was in front of me. He got off the train and I tapped him and he was just as surprised to see me standing there too.
Mr. Ex explained that he lost his phone and after realizing it on the bus in from NJ, stopped in an internet cafe in Times Square to get my number and the info about our meeting time. Then he asked me if I was really planning to leave when he saw me? I said Yes I was because I hadn't heard from you at all and wasn't sure that he was coming since he hadn't made contact before our meeting time or responded to my phone calls. So at this point I knew that we were definitely not making it to the 8 PM showing of "I Love You Man," so I suggested we head to one of the movie theaters in Times Square (an area that I absolutely ABHOR). He grabs my bags from me and said "What does it look like with you carrying those bags and I'm with you, not carrying anything?"
We got to Times Square and the 9:15 showing of "I Love You Man" was already sold out. I was sad that I wasn't going to see the movie I REALLY wanted to see; so I asked Mr. Ex what else he felt like seeing and he said it didn't matter to him. The only things up next were "Sunshine Cleaning" and "Taken" so I decided to do "Taken," hoping that it was escapist enough for me. After the movie (good, but super violent) we decided to walk around Times Square a little bit to talk. I learned a little bit more about him and what he's seeking in his next relationship. He said he's at the point where he's ready to get serious with someone, he wants to get a full-time job in the next six months (yep, I asked the question from Steve Harvey's book), he told me a little about his plans for the next few years, his background, why his name is portuguese and other things. Overall my impression of him after this second date is that he is a decent man and knows how a woman should be treated.
At the end of our date he saw me into a cab home (didn't offer to pay for it though) and called me once he was home to make sure I made it home. He also called me again on Saturday (we didn't talk) and then we talked a couple of times again on Sunday. He seems to be supportive of my plans for the future plans to start my MBA program, he was very respectful of me and I like the fact that he doesn't take anything for granted with me. When he asked if I was still dating other people I was honest and said at this point yes I am. He's paying attention and saying all of the right things and for me it's a nice change. I'm looking forward to our next date and he's even stepping up to the plate (at my suggestion that he should take the lead on planning our next dates) and has given a couple of ideas for our next couple of dates. Seeing someone that is actually paying attention and making adjustments accordingly to my responses is something I'm enjoying immensely. It's a nice change, very seductive (remember I'm reading "The Art of Seduction" right now) and I realize now that dating someone that understands the art of seduction is something I need to experience right now. I'm really looking forward to our next date.
Tomorrow I'll give you a re-cap of my date with The E-card Stalker. I'm thankful that I got to do these dates back to back, because having them a day apart really helped me to evaluate the differences in their treatment of me in a way that I haven't ever taken the time to do before. Thanks again for reading the blog today and I hope you have a great week!
Friday, March 20, 2009
It's SPRING! Although we're getting a little snow up here on the first day of spring here in NYC, today might be the BEST Friday yet! My boss is on vacation for the next couple of days (WHOO HOO) and yesterday I booked my flight to Brussels for next month. This week has been super busy for me; more than anything in this world I want to go home tonight, put on my pj's, snuggle in my bed (the MOST comfortable place in this world) and eat some cakesters. BUT, I can't. Why not? Because I have a date tonight!
Tonight I have a date with Mr. Ex (our 2nd one) and we're going to see "I Love You Man." I'm super excited (about the movie) because I've wanted to see it since I first heard my movie star boyfriend, Paul Rudd, is in it. :o) Plus it looks funny and I desperately need to see a comedy right now after such an intense few weeks. We're going to a late-ish movie and I hope that I can stay awake for it.
Yesterday Mr. Ex called me as I was walking to pick up some lunch. I mentioned off hand that my Saturday plans for the daytime had been cancelled. I also mentioned that I was GLAD to have my time back because I needed to run some errands and clean my apartment. Last night Mr. Ex called me and said he remembered my plans changed and thought he should give me a call because he though I might want to change our date for tomorrow during the day because he would need to take Friday off from work. I said no, I wanted to keep the Friday night date because I needed Saturday to take care of some personal things. He was weird about it and when I pressed him further on it he was like "Oh no, I'm ok to do Friday night, it's ok, I can take Friday off, don't feel bad about it." I said "I don't feel bad about it, but why did you suggest a Friday night date if you couldn't do it.?" He was like oh I did take Friday off, I'll just have to go in to work on Saturday morning to make up for it. WTF? I personally think this was a LIE. I just sensed he hadn't make the proper arrangements from what he was saying earlier. Then when I called him on it, he was like oh yes I did take Friday off. Don't make a suggestion then try to passive aggresively get me to change my plans. Say what you mean and make a straight up request like a REAL MAN. I'm sure he did want to change the plans, but he didn't ask me in a straight up fashion and I'm no mind reader.
Tomorrow night I'm supposed to go out on a 2nd date with The E-card Stalker. I've been reading a book called "The Art of Seduction" and he falls into one of the categories they have called "The Anti-Seducer." He still sends me sappy e-cards (I got one on Monday and I wanted to rip my eyelids off after reading it) and our phone conversations remain very stilted. I know I'm partly to blame, but EVERY single conversation he whines to me, that I'm hard to reach; but when I return his phone calls he takes nearly a week to return my calls. WTF? Personally I have already decided he's playing games, but I will go on this 2nd date because I did enjoy his company on our first date and prior to going out with him there felt like his phone conversation left a lot to be desired. If it's a bust, then I'll have my confirmation and will move on from the situation. He's planning this date (at my insistence) and I just hope that I'll have a good time.
So two 2nd dates this weekend. This should offer some funny stories on Monday I suppose. I just hope I can stay awake to survive both of them. I need some down time so on Sunday I plan to put in some much needed veg time. I hope that your week has been as wonderful as mine and thank you again for reading my blog. I love hearing from you and if you like what you're reading don't be afraid to comment or become a follower (at the very least). :o) SHAMELESS PLUG I know, but feed my ego just a little why don't ya? Have a great time this weekend and enjoy the spring!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I can't believe Wednesday is already here! This week seems to be moving a lot more quickly than last week did. Lately I've gone out a lot more and although my outings aren't always dates, I see them all as opportunities to meet someone new. On Monday night, I saw a show @ Carnegie Hall --"Ask Your Mama" based on a poem by Langston Hughes. I had an amazing time that night with my girls EBrown, The Roodster and EJ (Ms. Jackson if you're nasty)! Jessye Norman's voice is AMAZING and the whole night gave me chills (the good kind of course). Last night I went out to have dinner with one of my good friends, The Mama, who recently moved back to NYC from the ATL.
I spend a lot of time talking about relationships with my friends, most especially those of you whom I know personally. One of the topics that comes up frequently relates specifically to me and my non-date nights out. The Roodster and I have discussed this topic at length - Are women who approach the man first desperate sluts? She related the following story to me this past weekend. On the night that we were out after the 1st Saturday party at the Brooklyn Museum she made the off hand comment to one of her friends (who was male) "Oh my girls here are on a mission tonight, they want to meet some men." His response was something along the lines of "Oh your girls sound desperate!" She then proceeded to give him a piece of her mind about the subject saying that it sounded like a DOUBLE STANDARD to her, because if a man said the same thing about going out to meet women, no one would ever refer to him as desperate, he'd be a player or even THE MAN.
I'm wondering if this is what really men are thinking when I approach them when I'm out? Whenever I go out, I want to meet new people and given the right environment I have no problems approaching someone that interests me in some way. I'll admit like most people the first thing you notice about a person of the opposite sex (or the same sex if that's your thing) is their physical appearance. For me once a person opens their mouth that's the true test for keeping me there (and interested). But, I'm wondering now if I approach them do they automatically think that I am approaching them for just a little "Wham, Bam, Thank you ma'm action?"
I don't think that's EVER the way that I position myself when I'm out and about. In fact I work very hard NOT to be that girl. Is it some sort of threat to their manhood for the woman to make the first approach? Perhaps in the next few months I should fall back a little and let the men do a little more of the chasing. For me going out and making the first move is more about getting to know a new person that I happen to find interesting, not about making him my MAN.
What do you think? I find it interesting that in this day and age, there are still some men who think women who make the first move are desperate. It's also pretty funny because in the end I consider myself old-fashioned and would love it if they were to step up and make the first move, but that never seems to happen with me. Some people told me they feel I'm intimidating (maybe it's the height) or that they think I look mean (so not true). In the end I think it's a balancing act, but I'm curious to hear about your experiences.
Thanks again for the support and comments. And if you need something else to read, check out my friend Brooke's blog http://brookeybabysblogspot.blogspot.com/2009/03/im-flirt.html. Her blog today about "Flirting" inspired my topic today. Take the time to enjoy the rest of your week.
Monday, March 16, 2009
It's Monday and I'm actually pretty excited about this week. I have the feeling that it will be even better than last week and I'm anticipating great news coming my way. Tonight I'm planning to hang out with my friends EB, The Roodster and EJ @ Carnegie Hall for "Ask Your Mama" which is based on the Langston Hughes poem of the same name. Jessye Norman and The Roots are supposed to be on the bill (Jessye actually curated this one); it should be a fantastic time. Typing this blog, I just realized that in all of my 9 years of living here in NYC this will be my FIRST time at Carnegie Hall; for me this is a HUGE deal to finally see something at one of the most prestigious venues in the city.
My date on Saturday was equally as lovely and Mr. Ex is someone I met on pof.com. I was the planner for the day - he isn't all that familiar with the city, because he lives in Freehold, NJ. He got in early because he took a bus in and I was about 15 minutes late because I miscalcuated how long it would take me to get into the city since the subway wasn't running between my stop and downtown Brooklyn (which is quite a pain in the arse!) Although I was running late - I was VERY GOOD about keeping him abreast of my progress. I notified him that I was stuck on the bus in Brooklyn, told him when I got on the train headed into the city and called him the moment I stepped off the train to walk over to the restaurant.
I walked into the restaurant and headed straight over to the hostess and told her I was meeting someone. After quickly perusing the place I didn't see anyone that looked like the guy that was my date (or at least the pictures I'd seen online) so I called him and asked if he was there in the restaurant and he said "You're too late, I am in a cab on the way back, you took too long." Now I was PISSED OFF, because I'd just talked to him less than 5 minutes prior to tell him that I was walking over and he hadn't indicated that he was leaving at that point. So I say "Ok, sorry to hear you feel that way," all while standing in front of the hostess, I think she was starting to feel sorry for me. I was already trying to decide whether or not I was going to stay for brunch anyway since I was sooooo HUNGRY, when he walks up behind me, taps me on the shoulder and says he was joking. I think I have a very good sense of humor, but we definitely don't necessarily have similar tastes in what is funny. Personally I don't find his type of humor very funny and given that we don't know each other very well, it's hard to tell when he's joking or not (something that people often tell me). What's interesting is over the course of our getting to know each other on the phone he's made several other jokes of the same ilk that I didn't find funny, which for me was part of the reason I was so unenthusiastic about him in my blog "Dating drought."
Our brunch was at 202 - a restaurant and clothing store, good food and fashion/houseware all into one cute chelsea location. 202 has the best pancakes in the city hands down! We both ordered the pancakes and although we got seated at a more communal style table than I would have liked we did try to get to know each other a little bit more than we had already done on the phone. Mr. Ex is a native of Angola, speaks 5 different languages (including Portuguese and Spanish) and has lived in the US for about 9 years now, initially moving here for school in Michigan. He's an attractive man and came to the date in a nice gray pullover sweater, black button down shirt and jeans.
After grubbing on brunch, we headed over to the Hank Willis Thomas exhibit at the Jack Hainman Gallery in Chelsea. The exhibit was cool, but took us all of 15 minutes to view, so we ended checking out a few of the other galleries on the block. I'd highly recommend going to check out the Nicholas Robinson Gallery - they had a couple of good exhibits there, especially the paintings by Wei Dong. Mr. Ex seemed to really have a great time and we talked a little bit about art and what we personally were interested in and I found out that he writes poetry, but has not done it in a while. I encouraged him to get back into the habit of writing and he said he wanted to start soon.
We left the block with all of the galleries and walked over to the Chelsea Piers area because he wanted to see the water. We continued to chat a little bit about what we're looking for in our relationships, why past relationships haven't worked out and here's where I admitted something to him (and myself) that I've thinking about a lot lately in my homework for myself. In the past I have NOT WANTED a committed relationship at all. Therefore I didn't seek, nor require it from anyone I happened to be seeing at any given time. He also astutely observed that I do want something special in my relationships, which I agree is true. I realize now that I should set about defining what is special to me, because being special could mean so many different things.
So overall I had a good time on my date. Mr. Ex seems to have a good head on his shoulders and he did something, that in my mind was very special; he called me to make sure I made it home safely. This might seem like a very small thing, but for me, doesn't seem to happen all that often at the end of ANY of my dates. It made me think differently about him and I'd consider going out on a second date with him, even though our senses of humor are so different. Plus he did bring up a couple of his past relationships on the date, but his calling me to make sure I made it home safely absolved him of those transgressions (for now)!
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog today. Hope you enjoyed and I'm looking forward to your feedback on this one. Have a wonderful week - I certainly plan on having one.
Friday, March 13, 2009
I don't know about all of you, but I'm certainly happy for the weekend. This has been a fantastic week for me and I can't wait to see what next week brings my way. Last night I played hooky from my french class (forgot my books and hadn't done my homework) so instead when my friend C invited me out to her friends' birthday party. I went with no regrets and had a fantastic time there. We had a good time shaking our booties a little bit and although I didn't make any love connections it was nice to meet some of her friends.
This weekend I have a few plans lined up, but most importantly I have a date tomorrow afternoon with Mr. Ex. Although I was less than enthusiastic about him late last week, when I mentioned him in my blog "Dating drought," I decided that it couldn't hurt to at least go out once with him. Ultimately I think he is a nice guy. He currently lives in NJ and asked me to plan the date because he doesn't know the city very well. We're going to have brunch and then visit the Hank Willis Thomas exhibit, which is in town until tomorrow. I think we'll have a pretty good time and maybe I'll get to learn a little bit more about him once we meet in person besides all of his ex-girlfriends.
I'm also hanging out with some friends tonight: The Blonde One, The Southern Belle and VDub. We're going to check out the new Neil LaBute play "Reasons to be Pretty" tonight and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm a fan of some of Neil's previous works and I'm hoping this stands up to some of his other plays/films. On Sunday, my friend The Roodster, is putting together a book club and our first meeting is to discuss the Steve Harvey book "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man." I'm looking forward to hearing some of the experiences and perspectives of some of the other women in the club. We'll be hanging out in Clinton Hill Brooklyn @ 3PM on Sunday if you want to stop by - just drop me a line for the name of the cafe and directions.
I hope that you all have a great weekend and as always thank you again for all of the insights, invites to parties and dating leads you are all giving me. If you like what you're reading here don't be shy about becoming one of my followers. I promise I won't bite - it's just nice to know you're there and reading. :o)
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I hope that you're having a wonderful day - I certainly am. This morning I was running late and caught a cab to the express train stop and the cab driver didn't have change so he gave me the ride for free. This was so nice and totally unexpected that I hope he receives his blessing to me back in spades. As I was ran from his cab and into the Nostrand Ave. A/C subway station I was able to hop on the train. Even more importantly I completed one of my grad school applications and I have one more to do. That's a big sense of accomplishment for me and now I have to buckle down to complete my last one.
Yesterday one of my friends, Little Miss, read my blog "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" and pointed out something I had never considered. She mentioned that all of my descriptions within the blog were all physical descriptions - nothing about personality. I am carefully thinking about this now, because it's actually something that frustrates me when I am getting to know someone. The fact that they don't want to know about me, my interests or my personality frustrates me. On the other hand if you're getting to know a person in a short social situation (e.g. at a party or out at a bar) it's tough to get beyond merely superficial conversation along the lines of "what's your name, what do you do and are you single?"
Have I been objectifying men as merely physical objects all of this time? I would probably need at least a year of therapy to get to the root of any issues I have on this subject, but Little Miss gave me a homework assignment that I'll be working on over the next few weeks. We attract what we value even if it is disguised as something we do not value according to Little Miss. I happen to agree with this statement wholeheartedly. To help me understand some of my behavior and how I am viewing men she suggested I seriously consider doing the following:
1) Take an inventory of all my relationships (past and present) to determine what brought us together
2) Determine what attracted me to each relationship? Determine what need was met by the relationship?
3) Once involved determine why the relationship didn't work? What was it lacking?
I believe going through this process will help me to identify my issues (if any) so that I'm not constantly repeating the same mistakes (which are merely symptoms of the underlying problems). This will take some time if I do it the right way; at the other end I hope that I'll understand myself a lot better.
I encourage you all to do the same if you're find yourself repeating the same mistakes in your relationships. Thanks again for all the support and comments you give me. I learn something from each of you - even if it is a tough lesson. I appreciate all of the feedback you give me.
Monday, March 9, 2009
It's Monday and after having such great weather in NYC this weekend I'm wondering where it all went! I hope that you all had a fantastic weekend and took the time out to enjoy yourselves and the great weather (at least a little bit). Enough of my kvetching about the bad weather I'm proclaiming that this week is going to be fantastic! I feel it in my bones...
This weekend was action packed and I started things off with a bang (sort of) by having a catch-up dinner with a friend of mine (Little Miss) who I haven't seen in forever. She has a new guy in her life that sounds like someone who would be a good man and compliment for her personality. After dinner we headed over to The Slipper Room where we had a nice time checking out a little bit of the Burlesque show that night. Little Miss is currently taking Burlesque classes and I'm considering taking this class when I get some extra dough. I think some burlesque acts are VERY sexy and I believe there can ever be too much sexy in my life.
Saturday night I had a great time hanging out with The Roodster and Lil B at Target's 1st Saturday party at the Brooklyn Museum. The place was packed and diverse and although I wasn't necessarily prepared for a night full of electronica/house music, I still managed to have a good time just watching the eye candy walk by and talking to people. I think all of Brooklyn was out and about that night and I met a couple of people (one very friendly guy fresh off the boat from Croatia) and a couple of handsome men who are friends of my friend DigiJay. Digi Jay was there too and I harassed him to introduce me to his people - DJ you never did, but it's all good because I got to meet them later when we bumped into them later on with The Roodster. I was hoping to see them later on at one of the many after parties in the local hood, but they ended up going home and only one of them came back out later that night.
We ended up heading over to Soda Bar which was a no-frills bar, lounge not far from the museum and in their hip-hop room they had one of the best DJ's I've heard in a while (can't recall his name right now). He was playing all of the hip-hop/R&B hits from the mid-late 90's and early 2000's and boy did I shake my groove thang all night long! The room was full of eye candy and all of Brooklyn's finest. I decided to let loose and get my drink on... and on. I got a little tipsy and very friendly with my new friend Mr. Smell Good. I kept tapping him to get his attention and then turning away ( like I was in the 2nd grade I know) and then finally I asked him if he was hot in his coat. I told him he made me hot just seeing him in it and then he finally took it off and we talked for a bit and asked what scent he was wearing and he told me. From then it was ON.
Mr. Smell Good falls into the category of my big weakness when it comes to men. He was cute and he was 6'5. This is my type I guess you could say just because I ALWAYS feel like a woman when I'm with a man this tall. We talked for a bit and I found out that he's 34, lives in Bedstuy not far from where I love, works in the mental health field and he is in a "complicated relationship." Now normally even continuing a conversation with somebody that's in any type of relationship is a BIG no-no for me and I told him that I believe in karma and didn't want to be disrespectful to his relationship no matter what the status is... by the way I HATE that facebook has given validity to the whole complicated relationship status; I think it's BS (either you're together or you're not)!
We continued to get to know each other and I have to say that we had a strong physical attraction if nothing else. Mr. Smell Good and I were all over each other like white on rice and we got into a groove which for me is always a good thing. I'm making this PG, but I'll say that we would be good together doing the horizontal mambo (if our short time together was any sign). I'm not sure I will give him a call even though he gave me his number before he left. His situation sounds way too messy for me to get into right now and although he told me that "It was already too late for his situation before he met me" I don't even want to deal with finding out. I just hope I haven't completely messed my karma too badly by knowingly involving myself in whatever his situation is (no matter how small my part was); I never like to think of myself as trifling and if I heard this story in the context of this being my man all hugged up on some strange chic in the club, I would call the other girl (me) trifling as well as my man and probably leave his a$$.
If I decide that what I want is a "friends with benefits situation" I think Mr. Smell Good is at the top of my list. I was no angel in this situation and I realize that I should probably do some re-evaluating what I want and why I keep ending up in situations that are headed right for "friends with benefits" zone. I had fun this weekend, I blew off some steam with my friends, met some new people and maybe ended the drought I feared so much last week. I realize I still need to firm up in my mind what I want out of my dating experiences, but I also know that it's about having fun throughout this process.
I hope that you all have a fantastic week - I can't wait for what this week has in store for me. I have the feeling that something very good is about to come my way.
Friday, March 6, 2009
It's been a while since I last regaled you with my dating tales and for that I apologize, but it's simply because I haven't had anything that I felt would be of interest to report this week. Things are slow and I seem to be in the middle of a dating drought. Ok that might be a little dramatic since it's really only been a week, but honestly I'm a little uninspired by my present dating options.
I have recently started corresponding with a couple of gentleman from the online dating website http://www.plentyoffish.com/. The site is one of the few free dating websites out there and I have to say that from my perspective as a marketing professional it is a little unappealing because of the cluttered look and feel of the user interface (UI for all you web pro's out there). Now the guys I've met seem like nice people, but none of them have me enthused enough to go out on a date with them.
One of the guys who I will now affectionately refer to as Mr. Ex is a nice guy. Mr. Ex is 36, is from Angola and works in sales in New Jersey (30 miles past Newark). He seems to LOVE talking to me about all of his ex girlfriends. Since I'm such a patient listener, I suppose he thinks I'm the best place to get it all off his chest, but to be honest and like most people, I have no real interest in him remininscing about all of the women he's had in his life. Perhaps it's a cultural thing, but that's all he seems to go on about and the other day I cut our conversation short after about ten minutes and told him I needed to go get ready for bed. He called me last night and I couldn't make myself return the call because I simply didn't have the energy to listen to another story.
One of the other men, The Music Teacher, is also 36 (hey that might be my magic number) who doesn't have a profile pic up and his profile says he's just there to "Hang Out." He keeps e-mailing me to go out on a date with him, but my red flags are raised by anyone who doesn't know how to put a pic up on their profile. Not that looks are the end all be all for me, but I think it's a little unfair that he can see me, but I can't see him. He seems nice enough, but again nothing about him, his responses to my questions makes me all that inclined to meet up with him. When I asked him what about my profile attracted him to me he said "I just think you're beautiful." That's a nice sentiment, but I don't even think he read my profile to see if we have anything in common.
I know, I know, I know... some of you think I'm just being nitpicky and YES perhaps I am. But I'm ok waiting for quality at this stage in my life. As I meet more and more people I'm realizing that what is most important for me isn't quantity, but the quality of the man. I'm sure some of these men will make nice friends for me in the future, but for now I think I can keep it moving.
This weekend I'm planning to hit up a few parties, there's a networking "Family Day" event for TJ Martell on Saturday and a friend of mine is having a birthday hang tomorrow night, plus The Brooklyn Museum is having its First Saturday party tomorrow night as well. I'll try to hit up at least one of these things and get my booty out of my apartment so that I can meet other people. Although I was a little weary when I started this week and even whined to one of my co-workers that "This is haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard," I'm feeling much better as I head into this weekend. My priorities are straight, I feel much better health wise and I'm really loving me and all I have to offer right now.
I hope that you guys have a great weekend! Thanks for the support and if you want to be my Platonic Activity Partner (or my wing man or wing woman) this weekend hit me up. I'd love to have some company. I'm hoping this weekend will get me out of this dating drought I seem to be stuck in.
Monday, March 2, 2009
For all of you up here in the great Northeast, I hope you're surviving this mini-blizzard that has hit us! I wasn't prepared at all for it and I must be the only person who didn't pay close attention to the weather reports, because I was shocked to wake up this morning to nearly 8 inches of snow. This weekend was actually pretty low key for me. I felt under-the-weather by the end of last week (cold/sinus) so I ended up going home from work Friday and not leaving my apartment until Sunday, when I met my friends The Roodster and Lil B for dinner, at a lovely new Ethiopian Restaurant called Etai.
I finally heard from Mystervee on late Saturday night (around 11) asking if I was in the city and wanted to meet up. I'm not even sure why I answered the phone that late except to see what he was up to...and to confirm my suspicions that he indeed sees me as an "Afterthought Chic" AKA "Booty Call." When I explained that I was sick he said "Call me when you feel better." Again my problem with this guy is that he just really doesn't seem to care about me as a person, he's more concerned about tapping my A$$. He doesn't know how to treat a woman. You know how I feel about that ladies and gentleman "NEXT!"
The E-card Stalker and I were supposed to have a date on Saturday evening. He'd called me on Friday night to confirm and at that time I told him that I felt like I could still go on the date. By Saturday afternoon I realized that I didn't have the energy to get out of bed and I was sounding like a 13 year old boy whose voice was changing (I think he was afraid of catching what I had too); he suggested that we reschedule for some other time. True to form on Sunday evening he called me to check up on me and sent me a get well e-card from him. It was a nice touch and even though there are things that The E-card Stalker needs to work on as far as phone conversations (I'll get into this later) I have to admit that it was nice to see someone cared enough to check up on me. Quite simply, he knows how to treat a woman.
I put two little updates up today to illustrate the big differences in how these men are going about treating me. I really do believe sometimes a little bit of effort goes a long way in my book and I was impressed by The E-card Stalker even checking on me. My friend The Roodster and I had a discussion about men and relationships at dinner last night and she made a good point. She said that sometimes men don't know how to treat a woman because quite simply they are used to women who don't have any standards or requirements. I'm pretty old-fashioned and have lots and lots of standards. At this point in my life I can't see myself relaxing my standards for anyone. I understand giving a man a shot, (believe me I'm the QUEEN of this!). BUT when it's clear to me from his actions what he really thinks of me, I have no choice for my own sanity, but to keep it moving.
I have to say thank you to everyone for all the love and support and comments you send my way! I appreciate them all and I hope that you will keep them coming. It's really tough to put myself out there in an honest way without having a few critics. I'd like to just clarify the purpose and intent of my blog by saying that it is intended to share with you some of my mistakes, my growth and the journey I'll eventually make as I try to find the right relationship for me. It is not to give a full-blown view or even to exploit any of the men that I happen to go out on dates with. I may beat them up here, but you better believe I'm beating myself up too for my sometimes ridiculous behavior. Thanks again for taking the time to read my blog today and I wish you a wonderful rest of the week!